Sweet Baby

I am LOVING being a mom to this sweet baby!! I have found my calling through foster care - to be a mom! :)

No Double Pink Line but a Baby Anyway!

Yesterday around 9 a.m. I got a phone call from our social worker:

Birdie, this is A. We've got a newborn baby boy. He's 6 days old. I don't want to get your hopes up, and I don't want to say that it's going to be an adoption, BUT it looks like this could lead to adoption. Would you be able to take him?

I say YES. But let me call Jay first just to make sure.

Well, it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that OF COURSE we said YES!!! And about 7 hours later I was sitting on my couch holding the most beautiful baby boy with a headful of jet black hair!!!

So now we have Big Guy (our 2 year old foster son) and Little Guy (our week old foster son).

Oh my, God is so good!! Of course, we don't know if we will get to adopt. Only time will tell. Will the biological mom get her act together? Will a relative who has a good home come forward? We just don't know. But what we do know is that this precious baby needed a good home, and we are going to shower him with love while he's here - for however long that may be. (And of course I'm so hoping that this baby will indeed become my son!!)

I just had to share this with y'all. And if you're interested in foster care, please feel free to email me! creek jc @ nctc. com (without all the spaces, of course!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

Yep, it's almost that time again. Time to break out the pregnancy tests and look for that double pink line.

In fact, I've already been testing even though I knew it was too early. Do y'all do that too? You know it's going to be negative b/c it's too early but you just can't help yourself? I've already wasted several tests this week.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Big Guy was also in the Christmas play at church tonight. He was a shepherd and was just absolutely adorable.

I hope y'all are enjoying this Christmas season. I'm so thankful for Jesus!! He is my everything!

Missing Baby Girl

I know that Jay probably hates this picture! ha! It's not one of his best, but it's the only one I have of Baby Girl that doesn't show her face. As I've talked about before, Jay & I are foster parents. For one blessed week Baby Girl was with us until she went back to her family.

Only one week, and I still think about her every day and miss her. She was in that cuddly stage where I just wanted to squeeze her and cuddle her, especially when she was wearing a little one-piece sleeper!! :)

I just keep trusting the Lord. I want to be a mom! And I know I'm a foster mom. And I'm so happy to be a foster mom to Big Guy and to have been a foster mom to Baby Girl. And I want to keep fostering and being there for these precious little ones who need a good home. But I do have a deep desire to be a mom someday, a mom to a child that God will give me on this earth to not have to say goodbye to after a few months.

And I have faith that He will! His timing is not my timing, and so I wait patiently knowing that He knows exactly what He's doing! And it's all going to be worth it.

I've been mulling around a future post about my 3rd miscarriage. I've already posted about my 1st and 2nd. I know the next post is coming soon. It's just a matter of sitting down & taking the time to write it. But I don't want it to be a sad or depressing thing for you. I just want it to let you know that I understand what you've been through. I've been there too. Or if you've never had a miscarriage, I hope that it might help you know how to be there for your friend who is going through it.

In the meantime, I want to say again how WONDERFUL it is to be a foster mom to our Big Guy. We are madly in love with him. I can't bear to think about him leaving right now. I'm trying to enjoy these next few weeks and cherish every moment! I'm also praying that his mom will allow us to continue to be a part of his life. Would you help me pray too?

I hope you all are doing wonderfully and enjoying this Christmas season!

creek jc @ nctc. com

That Terrible Feeling

You know that terrible feeling when you hear that a lab result is not normal? Or that awful feeling every time the phone rings when you are waiting to hear from your doctor?

Yeah, I had it this week.

If you remember, a couple of weeks ago I found out that my Factor ii activity level was low. Of course, I foolishly researched it on the internet. (I don't recommend doing this!!) I found out things that can cause this - a clotting disorder present since birth that causes your blood to be too thin, severe liver disease and other terrible possibilities.

Immediately, I got hot and felt sick....

Fast forward a couple of days.

I talked to my RE's nurse who told me that my liver enzymes were normal and that the lab was only slightly low. Normal, I think, starts at 75. Mine was 73.

Okay, not so bad after all. Not as bad as I'd feared.

So I went to have my DNA checked to see if I had a mutation causing the abnormality.

I waited for the phone call on Tuesday that would give me the result. I was almost sick. Every time the phone rang I ran to get it. I was distracted. My stomach was filled with butterflies.

Basically, I was needing a vacation VERY BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I want to just "get away from it all!" I daydream of being in a tropical location with hubby or maybe walking the streets of a romantic city in Italy or driving through the countryside of England.

But alas, our bank account won't allow for that! ha!

So I waited and finally found out yesterday that my DNA is normal!! Great news! But that means we still don't know why that lab was a little low.

And I'm to the point where I really don't even want to know anymore! I'm SO over blood work and tests, and I'm thinking, "Okay, maybe my blood is just slightly thinner than every one else's. Whoop-ti-doo! No more tests!!!!"

For anyone who reads my blog, you know that my foundation is Christ. He sustains me. So I'm doing my best to give all this to Him, trust Him and just keep on truckin'!

I'm still madly in love with our Big Guy (our sweet 2 year old foster child). He is such a huge blessing to us!!!! These last few months, he has helped me so much. He's given me a new perspective, a new excitement for life and a greater purpose. Yes, fostering is to help the children. But we are the ones who are getting blessed too.

I hope you're all doing wonderfully!!! I often pray for you, my blog friends!

Baby Girl

Sweet Baby Girl left us after one week. I was already totally in love with her, and it was so hard to let her go. But that is fostering. And I know that we gave her a loving home for one week when she needed it most. I still pray for her daily and think about her so much.

For one blessed week I had a baby. It was so much hard work. I was exhausted. But it was just heavenly!! It was worth it all!

Big Guy is still doing wonderfully. We are totally in love with him.

As far as having a biological child, it could happen any time. I'm excited and very nervous all at the same time. After 4 miscarriages & 3 surgeries, I still have hope. Could this next one be the one?? I pray so.

Two Little Turkeys for Thanksgiving

Great news for us: Big Guy is going to be here for Christmas!

I just couldn't bear the thoughts of Christmas without him here. But I just kept trusting God, knowing that if that's what God asked of us that we would be able to do it.

We found out last week that he is going to be with us. And I'm SO very thankful for that.

Little Britches, sweet baby girl, who came to us Tuesday evening may leave us this Tuesday. We've only been together a few days so far, and I already feel like my heart will break when she leaves. Yet again, not my will but yours, Father. I know if this is what He asks of me that He will give me the strength to do it.

On a funny note, this is what happened on Tuesday. I had just checked out at K.mart, with Big Guy in tow and my mom checking out behind me when my cell phone began to ring:

Social Worker: Birdie, this is XYZ. I have a 4 month old baby girl. No known medical problems. Would you be able to take her?

Me: Uh.... What about Big Guy? Will she be able to sleep in his room?

(My mind is racing, my heart is pounding.)

Social Worker: Yes, she can.

Me: Uh... Let me call Jay and ask him.

Social Worker: (Laughter) I just called him, and he said, "Call Birdie."

Me: Okay. I'll call him and call you back.

Social Worker: Call me back as soon as you know.

I called Jay, and this is how our conversation went:

Jay: What do you think?

Me: Umm... I think we should take her. What do you think?

Jay: I think we should.

In the meantime, my mom said, "Yes!!! We need another baby in the family!!"

So, it was settled!!! An hour later, I was sitting on my couch in my living room holding a sweet, beautiful, darling, dark haired, blued eyed baby girl.

And it wasn't long until I fell COMPLETELY IN LOVE!!!

Sweet Baby will likely leave us on Tuesday. Just one week together. But it doesn't matter that it will only be a week... My heart is already aching when I think of it. But I just keep trusting God.

In the meantime, this experience is AMAZING!!!! With God's help, we are showering this baby with love, giving her a stable home, covering her in prayer and learning a whole lot about God, love, life and parenthood.

This is truly the adventure of a lifetime!

If you want to be a mom and you have a good stable home, I encourage you to be a foster parent! It may also lead to adoption. As I've mentioned before, my sister has 2 beautiful girls that were adopted through the foster care system.

I hope to write more blogs with greater details about fostering.

God Bless You all! I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful!!!! Mine sure was!

Oh Baby!

Last night we welcomed a 3 month old into our home. It may be temporary or long term. We won't know anything for a while.

Wow... Fostering is the adventure of a lifetime!! :)

Well, I'm off to (hopefully) get some sleep tonight!! God Bless you all! Happy Thanksgiving!

May Never Get Blood Work Again!

I had a really rough day this week. It started on Wednesday morning. I opened up my email and got this from Big Guy's social worker:

Just a heads up...I am looking at possible return to mom before Christmas.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to be temporary. But we have absolutely fallen in love with our Big Guy, and he loves us too. He's been so happy and secure here in our home. Life has been a dream. I'm the mom I've longed to be. We have our little family. Jay is a wonderful father, even more wonderful than I thought he'd be. And Big Guy is a pure joy. But I have to remember that he was never ours. God allowed him to be in our home for a time, and it's up to God how long he stays.

And the truth is that it's not about me. It's all about Big Guy. I hurt for him, worrying how he'll be taken care of when he goes back. But right now we are giving him a stable home, and I pray that it has a lasting impact. We've covered him in prayer daily, and it is my prayer that it has planted a seed deep in his little heart that will grow and flourish.

What a special boy he is. You just wouldn't believe how incredibly sweet, well behaved, funny and smart he is. He's just exceptional!! :)

We'll probably continue fostering after he returns. There are so many kids out there who need a good home, and hopefully it will one day soon lead to adoption.

So back to my tough day...

After I got the email and sat there dumbfounded I later got a call from my RE's office. I thought we were just about ready to start trying again. RE did tell us at our last appointment that there were a couple of blood tests he was going to do. But it all sounded pretty insignificant. Unfortunately, one of them came back abnormal:

Low factor 2 activity

From what I've read online, being low means that my blood doesn't clot quickly enough. So it wouldn't be treatable with a blood thinner b/c that would only make it worse. So Friday I had to go for yet another blood test. This time I got a Factor 2 DNA test. He's looking to see if this abnormality is caused by a genetic mutation. If not, then it's a mystery as to why it's low. According to what I read online, it can be caused by things like: liver disease, vitamin K insufficiency and other things too terrible to mention.

I worried myself sick. Literally. I broke out in a sweat, made several trips to the bathroom and hardly ate for a couple of days.

Thankfully, on Friday I spoke with the nurse again who said that my RE said that I shouldn't worry. I was SOOO happy to hear that it was barely out of the normal range. It was 73. Normal starts at 75.

I also found an article online written by a M.D. that was more reassuring that it's probably not something serious.

Still, I should NEVER research things online!!! I can't tell you how many times I've worried myself silly after reading scary medical stuff online. Why can't I learn my lesson?!

I'm feeling better about it now. But I still don't know what the next step is. I'll have to get the DNA results and then go from there. My RE is not even very familiar with this test, so the nurse said that "he will have to figure out what's going on." Ugh. Not very reassuring. ha!

Do y'all get to the place where you're so incredibly tired of doctors, blood work, tests, living from one test to another that you are ready to leave it all behind and just try to conceive without any medical intervention?

Hospitals and labs now pretty much give me the creeps, the yuckies in my stomach and a sinking feeling. I don't even like to drive past them. Even hospitals that I've never even been to, I don't even like to see them.

Lately, I've found myself daydreaming of a beach-y place far away, an escape from it all.

Yet, I keep going ahead, knowing that somehow God is still in control of it all. And I take great hope and strength in that.

Our Big Guy is also such a joy to me. I don't think I could love another child any more than I love him. Being responsible for him has stirred up something inside me.... Maternal Instinct? I don't know what it is. But I know that I love him dearly and would protect him with my life. It really is wonderful to be a mom.

Miscarriage Number Two

A few posts ago I wrote about my first miscarriage. Now, I'm continuing the story....

After that first miscarriage, my doctor was so reassuring and felt that it was unlikely to happen again. And all at once, after my own loss, I began to hear of so many women who'd experienced a miscarriage similar to mine. And most of them had gone on to have children. I learned the ugly fact that miscarriage is very common.

But I still didn't know anything about recurrent miscarriages. I had no idea that I would go on to experience four. At that time I didn't know anybody who'd had more than two losses.

After that first miscarriage in April Jay & I started trying again.

About 5 months later on September 11, 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test in the morning and another one that night.

This time I figured that I couldn't possible miscarry again. This time, Jay & I were going to be parents! A week passed. For one week I was pregnant with our baby and getting excited. Then on September 18th (one week later) I started bleeding a little bit that night. But I wasn't cramping, so I still had hope. But I was very afraid. I cried out to God in my journal and promised Him that I would praise Him in all things.

My next entry was on September 26th, 2008. It started, "I had another miscarriage. The Lord is my strength..."

I don't remember much about what happened between when I started bleeding on the 18th and the next entry on the 26th. I'm sure it involved blood work and a doctor visit. I'm sure it involved tears and pain. But, to tell you the truth, after 4 miscarriages and countless doctor visits it's hard to keep all the memories in order.

I do believe that I began to think that something might truly be wrong with me after this second loss. After all, my sister was never able to have children, so deep down there was always a little fear that I would follow in her footsteps. She, however, was never able to get pregnant. I didn't have a problem with that. My problem was carrying my babies to term.

I recently told my boss about my 4 miscarriages and how I'd love to be able to adopt someday. She told me that old cliche': "Well, I know of several couples who have adopted and then got pregnant. Sometimes I think that just takes some of the stress and pressure off and they're able to conceive." I'm not upset with her for saying that because I'm sure it's hard to know what to say. I mean, if I hadn't had recurrent losses myself, would I know what to say??

Still, it's difficult to hear that. She's not the first. And I think to myself, "Yes, but I'm not like those people. I don't have a problem getting pregnant." It's not that easy.

I didn't really mean for this post to turn into a list of statements I've heard from people that hurt. But hey, why not throw in a few more while I'm at it?? :)

Probably the most painful and frustrating one was when a dear woman whom I love told me after my 4th miscarriage that maybe I should just "wait a while." I was going to see a specialist about a month after my fourth loss and about a month before my 31st birthday and she thought that I didn't need to rush into anything.

Really?? I felt so frustrated and told Jay, "When she was my age she already had THREE children! She was already finished having children. And I'm supposed to WAIT a while?? I'm almost 31 years old and don't have even one child yet!"

Now remember, I love this woman dearly. She is somewhat of a mentor to me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. And I try to give them grace and remember that their hearts are in the right place. She didn't mean to hurt me. She loves me and only meant well.

Besides that, I know that I can be too sensitive. So I try to just overlook comments the best that I can.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's an odd one:

When I was getting ready to have my D&C and laparoscopy after my 4th miscarriage, my doctor and nurse actually discussed his children at my bedside. The nurse was asking him questions like, "Oh, is she driving already?.... Oh my goodness, I can't believe she's 16 already!" She was smiling and laughing, and I was thinking, "Hello! I'm lying here in this bed getting ready to have surgery because my baby died, and you're actually discussing children??" Oh well... That's just another one of those things to overlook because he's a great doctor, and my nurse was kind to me. I'm sure she never thought twice about it. The Lord's given me a countless measure of grace. I try to give grace to others.

I know that some of you reading have had lots of experiences like this as well. Sometimes it's kind of funny now to think back on some of the ridiculous statements. And then there are those people who have been so wonderful, caring and encouraging. Why doesn't anybody write posts on all the right things that people have said? haha Maybe I'll do that sometime!

Well, in the meantime, I'm loving my 2 year old Big Guy. I'm tired, but he's totally worth it! I hope that some of you might consider fostering and adoption. So many children need a loving home.

I hope you're all doing well. I'd love to hear from you! By the way, I REALLY want to change my blog. Can y'all recommend a good place to get a new blog design? creek jc @ nctc. com

Progesterone

Today I got the results of my Day 21 Progesterone Level.

It was 11.3

Now, I'm not sure what my RE is going to say about this. I got it done at my ob/gyn's office, and they faxed the result to him. So....

I will soon know if I'll be taking Clomid again.

Interesting fact:

My RE told me that using a progesterone supplement when you get a positive pregnancy test is sometimes not soon enough. So, if you know that your progesterone level runs low and you're planning to use a progesterone supplement when you become pregnant, ask your doctor about going ahead and using it while you're trying to conceive.

This is what my RE told me:

You can use progesterone every cycle that you're trying to conceive. When you have a positive ovulation test, begin the progesterone. If you're not pregnant that month, then stop the progesterone when you start your period. Then use it again the following month the same way until you become pregnant.

That way, you will have enough progesterone in your system even in the very earliest days of your pregnancy when implantation is occurring.

I hadn't heard that before. So I wanted to pass along the info to my blog friends as well. Especially if you've had chemical pregnancies, this could be helpful.

I'm still loving spending my days with our darling 2 year old. :) Being a foster parent is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced!!

Trying for Baby....Again

Yesterday hubby & I drove all the way to Memphis, Tennessee to see my recurrent pregnancy loss specialist. I was nervous!!! And I really didn't want to go at all. I'm sure some of you can relate. I'm not to the point yet where I really even want to THINK about getting pregnant again. That feeling is thanks to four consecutive miscarriages.

Miscarriage has brought a lot of fear to me when I think of having a baby. It's come to the place where it's hard to ever even actually imagine having a baby. Sometimes it seems like it's even silly to hope that it will end any differently and that I could actually bring a healthy baby home instead of being heartbroken. BUT I know that's NOT the truth!!! And I'm choosing to step out in faith and believe that it could be different. I'm going to put myself out there again and try once more. Yes, it's scary. But I know that God's in control, and I'm choosing to trust Him and lead where He follows....

So I want to give y'all an update on my appointment.

First of all, Dr. K spent a lot of time with me. He answered all of my questions, and I didn't feel rushed AT ALL. I LOVE that!!

As you may remember, Dr. K removed my septum in August. This was my follow up appointment, with details on the Next Step.

I've had 2 cycles, so we are ready to begin trying again.

First, I'm going to have a progesterone level drawn on Friday. If that level is good, then I won't take Clomid. If it's low, he'll give me Clomid. The reason for Clomid is that it increases your body's progesterone production, helping to lower the risk of miscarriage. Then I would begin progesterone when I got a positive pregnancy test.

OR, if I choose not to take the Clomid then I can start using vaginal progesterone when I have a positive ovulation test. If I don't get pregnant that cycle I'll stop the progesterone on the first day of my cycle.

Dr. K says that he gives progesterone to virtually every woman who comes through his practice. Why not? It's natural, it's not too expensive, and it's not harmful. So why not go ahead and give it just in case?

Also, he said that vaginal progesterone is much better absorbed by the body than oral progesterone. You have to take 6 times the amount of oral progesterone to be as effective as the vaginal progesterone.

The only drawback to the vaginal progesterone? I don't like it one bit because after it melts it oozes out and mimics the feel of bleeding. It caused me plenty of heart palpitations with my last pregnancy!!!!! Not looking forward to that again. But if it might help, then I want to try it!

So, the next step is the progesterone level check on Friday. After that, we'll know if I need Clomid or not and know when to begin the progesterone. And we'll be free to try to conceive.

YIKES!!!!

Dr. K also estimates my chances at having a baby at 75%. He believes that I am now in the same percentage range as other women my age.

This man is a GREAT doctor. There are many articles on the walls where he has been interviewed and written about. There are also various magazine covers on the walls and many mentions of him being one of the nation's top doctors. And in my experience, he has been very thorough, knowledgeable and caring.

He told me that at this point I can feel comfortable in knowing that I have seen some very good doctors and had everything that can be done for me. We have done all we do. And I do have peace in that. If I hadn't pursued it further and gone to him and given it one last effort, I think I would have always felt that I should have given it one more chance.

He was also very encouraging and believes that I should be optimistic.

SO, it looks like pretty soon Jay and I will be on the road to trying to conceive again. And I'm hoping and praying that this time it will truly be different!!! I KNOW it can be! I've seen other women like me who are now holding their babies. I can't let this fear overtake me. I'm going to be brave, holding on to Jesus, walking this path that He has laid out for me.

I hope you'll follow me on this exciting journey!!!

I've got some more blog posts I really want to write. I've still been thinking of finishing up telling my miscarriage stories. I'd also love to tell more about our wonderful experience in foster care so far. I hope I can encourage more women to consider fostering and/or adoption.

God Bless You All!! I hope you have a great week!

Mulling

I've been mulling over the coming post about my second miscarriage. So far I just haven't made the time to write it yet. A 2 year old makes life so different... yet SO meaningful. I'm busier, I'm more tired. But I feel like my life has more purpose. I feel like I'm making a difference. And I have so much love in my heart for this little one.

I can't get started on him right now, or I'll never get this post written.... :)

Basically, I just wanted to drop in for a minute and say that a second post is coming with the details on my second miscarriage. I'm hoping to write it this weekend.

In the meantime, God bless you all! And have a wonderful weekend!

Roar!!! I a Dinosaur!! Roar!!!

Our little dinosaur had a wonderful time trick or treating! He was a little doll (actually a little dinosaur!) and loved every second of it!!

Jay & I also had a wonderful time. For the first Halloween since we've been married, we finally had a child to take trick or treating. And we loved it!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! Ours seemed so short because we were so busy. But it was still great.

Now, I'm off to clean up the explosion that happened in our kitchen!!! Or at least it seems that way. I did a lot of baking this weekend for a bake sale at our church. Plus, we pretty much didn't pick up after ourselves at all this weekend b/c we were on the go so much. So... Let the laundry and dishes begin!!!!! :)

Miscarriage Number One

I've never really told my miscarriage stories to you before. I've thought about it several times but always put it off because there's always something more pressing to do, especially now that I have a 2 year old Big Guy that gets lots of my attention. Oh, I adore him!! :) But don't get me started on that sweetie or I'll never tell this story....

Jay & I married in August 2007. We were both 27. We were a match made in heaven, orchestrated by God after years of prayer and singleness. I met him while I was home from Asia for the summer. We dated for 5 glorious weeks. Then I had to return to Asia for another year. So we said goodbye and wrote letters and emails like mad, skyped daily and basically pined away for one another and lived for those sweet moments when we could hear each another's voice. Oh, the days the internet were out were SO hard!!!

Well, I finally came home, and we got married 6 weeks later. To this day, three years later, I still thank God for Jay almost daily and am SO grateful for him. I truly met my prince, and he treats me like his princess.

After only a couple months of marriage we decided to just let "nature" takes it course.... i.e. We didn't want to prevent a pregnancy but rather, give God free reign to do whatever He wanted. Only about 7 months after our wedding, I was pregnant. I could hardly believe it when I took the test. In fact, I think I took several tests and was in shocked disbelief... wondering "Is this really happening??!! We're REALLY going to be parents?!"

Jay & I were both so happy. I remember him smiling and laughing when he saw the test.

We kept our secret to ourselves, relishing it and enjoying just the two of us knowing.

Five days later I went with Jay to a job in Nashville. He was photographing a motorcycle for his job, and I went to help him. We had a fun day out. I watched him work. Then we went to eat at a big buffet. After we ate I suddenly felt funny in my abdomen. It felt like cramps. But it couldn't be because I was pregnant. We got in the car to go home, and the pain got worse. I checked myself and saw blood. I was so scared! I knew that something was wrong. I knew that I must be having a miscarriage.

We were over an hour away from home, and the pain quickly got very intense. It was the worst pain of my life. I had no pain medicine with me, and I didn't know why I was hurting so incredibly bad. I thought something was very badly wrong. I was pale and weak and hurting so horrendously. I thought maybe I was hemorrhaging.... I'd never felt pain like this before. I was afraid and sick to my stomach and cramping so terribly bad. The drive back to our hometown seemed like the longest ride of my life. I thought we'd never make it back.

I knew I had to get to the hospital because the pain was so intense. By this time I was bleeding heavily.

I remember that poor Jay was frightened and so worried about me. He kept looking at me as I lay in the passengers' seat in so much pain. But he held it together and just did the best he could to get me to the hospital.

I remember when we pulled up to the emergency room doors I couldn't even get out of the car by myself. Jay had to rush in and get a nurse. She came out with a wheelchair, and I could barely even stand to get in it.

My blood pressure was very low, and they started an IV and did some labs. I got fluids, and the doctor finally, and mercifully, gave me an IV injection of pain medication. Only then did the waves of cramps finally slow and then subside. I went for an ultrasound, and it showed nothing. There was no evidence of a baby. There was just ... nothing there in my uterus.

I remember a nurse telling me that my HCG level was very low, so I must have not been very far along. And I remember not really even knowing what HCG was exactly and not knowing what a normal range was. So the number meant nothing to me at the time.

I was finally released and followed up with my ob-gyn a few days later. She was kind and compassionate and used the term "chemical pregnancy". I really didn't understand it exactly. She assured me that this was very common and that it would be unlikely to happen again. I only knew that I was no longer going to be a mother or make Jay a father. Our baby was with Jesus now.

I later wrote in my journal,

God, I don't understand You, but I trust You. In all my life, LORD, I pray, Thy will be done - Thine and not my own. I love You, Father. I trust You, Father. I'll never stop following You, my LORD. Although I grieve the loss of our tiny little baby, I know she/he's safe in Your care. We'll meet in eternity.

Until I see You, LORD, I'll keep on believing that You are real and true and good!

Fill my loss with Yourself! Fill my pain with Your joy! Fill all voids with Your presence!

Romans 8:28

Yes, I had a lot of pain over the loss of that child and still do at times. I've shed many tears. And there have been times when I felt that my heart was breaking. There have been days when I cried out to God and times when I just couldn't even talk about it or think about it. The heartache was just too strong. But my God has always been faithful, and He's brought us through it all. Someday I pray that I will worship at the feet of Jesus with my little ones. What a day that will be!!

That was my first miscarriage of four. I still don't understand why. But I've learned that I don't have to understand. I just have to trust.

If you're going through the pain of loss, I pray that You'll feel His presence with You and be encouraged.

Since that time, I've experienced much more than I ever thought I could endure. But God gives me the strength I need, and He's never left me. And now, Jay and I are considering trying again. Next week we go back to Memphis to discuss our options. And we also have the sweetest little 2 year old ever in our home. Our story is still unfolding!! :) We have a lot of hope, and I still believe that someday, somehow we'll still have our big family whether that's through adoption or biological children or hopefully BOTH!!

God Bless You All! Thank you for reading my story. Please feel free to email me at any time: creek jc @ nctc.com I will try to email you back soon. I know there are a couple that I need to catch up on that came soon after we got Little Guy. I put off emailing and got behind. But I SO appreciate your emails and WILL write back!!!

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

My Little Coyote

Here's our little coyote!!! This pic was taken on our recent vacation to the beach! We visited a museum, and he had a blast.

We are still totally in love and praying hard every day that the best thing for Big Guy will be done. I often ask God to surround him and protect him when I can't be there with him. He has quickly taken residence in my heart, and I can't imagine life without him. But yet, not my will but thine, O Lord.

I've been mulling over a blog post in my head recently. I've never told the stories of my 4 miscarriages. I've been thinking of finally sitting down and putting it into words on my blog. That may be coming soon...

And coming up next week is a visit back to Memphis. That's right, it's time for my 2 month follow-up appointment post septum removal surgery. What will the doctor say? (By the way, in case you forgot, his expertise is recurrent pregnancy loss.) I'm expecting a green light on trying to conceive again. Yikes!!! Not sure quite how I feel about that. But I THINK I might be ready. But then again, that gives me the jitters just thinking about it!!! So how about I NOT think about it until after I see Dr. K next week? Sounds like a great idea!!

If you're experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss and live anywhere near Memphis, please get in touch with me. I'd love to give you more info about my doctor! creek jc @ nctc. com

I hope y'all are doing wonderfully. I'm still absolutely LOVING being a foster mom. I never knew life could be so sweet! :) If you have any questions about foster care, please email me!!

Thank God I'm a Country Boy!

Do y'all know that old John Denver song called Thank God I'm a Country Boy? It's a really cute song and reminds me of good ol' Kentucky! :)

Well, yesterday Big Guy was a country boy down on the farm. Jay's parents have a big farm, and we spent the evening there. He got to ride the dump truck, tractor, backhoe, ride a horse and roast marshmallows over the fire.

Everyone is so in love with him, and we think he is one of the best little boys in the whole wide world! And he sure had a big time on the farm! I'm sure it's a day he will remember for a long time. I know we will!

Mommy

It finally happened....

Big Guy asked me today, "You my mommy?"

Oh, baby, how I wish I was!!!!!!!!

Lord, help me to keep trusting You every step of the way.

My Life will Never be the Same!!

I have been pretty absent from my blog lately. That's because of a little man in my life that has changed me forever! I love this little boy!!! And I encourage anyone interested in foster care who has a heart full of love, a stable home & leading from God to attend the classes and open your home to make the difference in the life of a child. You'll also go on the biggest adventure of your life!!!

Jay & I have totally fallen in love!!! We don't know how long "Big Guy" will be with us. Be we are cherishing every day. This is the greatest adventure I've ever been on. God has spoken to me so much these last few weeks. And I've done things that I never thought I could do. God is my strength and has given me so much joy through this whole process. I am SO grateful that God has chosen us to parent Big Guy for this time. I feel incredibly blessed and privileged. As much as I've longed for a baby, this sweet baby was in need of a good home.

Well, right now Big Guy is totally engrossed in an episode of Curious George. So I finally had a few moments to update my blog. I'll try to do better in the future. :) I've still been reading your posts and emails! :) Please email me if you have any questions about foster care!! creek jc @ nctc. com

VACATION!!!!!

I'm still here and doing well. We are madly in love with Big Guy! And I think he's really enjoying being with us. In fact, we just got back from a week-long vacation at the beach!! I hope to post some pics soon!!

Until then, I just wanted to check in and say that I'm still here!! More details to follow.... :)

In Love

As I wrote in my last post, Jay & I are now proud foster parents.

I was going to post something a couple of days ago while our little guy (He likes me to call him "Big Guy" hehe) was taking a nap. It was going to say something like this:

Exhaustion....Utter...Sheer...Exhaustion

haha

But even with the exhaustion, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. We already love our "Big Guy" so much. He is such a little darling, and we are blessed beyond measure.

Thank You, Jesus, for this privilege for care for your little child.

Blog friends, this is changing me more than I ever expected. Wow...I don't think in all my life I've ever grown so much closer to the Lord in such a short period of time. Oh, my heart is just about to burst. Despite the long days and short nights, I am utterly in love.

Baby on the Way!!!!

I thought that would get your attention! haha

Actually, it's not a baby but a TODDLER!!!

Jay & I are going to be foster parents to a toddler starting THIS WEEK!

We are both excited & nervous to have this little sweetie in our home to love and care for. I pray that he will feel loved & secure.

Every time I think of him, my heart just breaks. I've been praying for him a lot and asking our Father to comfort him and help him not to be afraid. Even though he is coming to a loving home, he is also being taken away from everything he has ever known. I can hardly wait to love on this baby & try to make this time for him as enjoyable and wonderful as possible!

It will probably only be temporary. But we're okay with that. He's got to go to a foster home regardless, and we know we can give him a very good home.

I've been thinking a lot lately about foster care and having children in our home and adopting...

I've been thinking about how much I have longed for children and how much I've mourned over the loss of my 4 babies. And then my mind comes to those little children out there who are longing for parents. As much as I want/need a child, they need a mom.

Jay & I hope that one day we will be able to adopt. And in the meantime, we're going to just keep following the Lord one step at a time. We don't know what the big picture is. But we know that God led us to foster care, and we're following.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (New International Version)

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, [and] to keep himself unspotted from the world. (King James Version)

Isn't our Father so wonderful that He cares so much for the fatherless and widows and those in need! Lord, help us to love the things that You love and care about the things that You care about!!

God Bless You All! I'll keep you updated! And we would appreciate your prayers very much! Now....It's time to go SHOPPING and get ready for this little one!!!! :)

Approved!!!

Jay & I have been approved to be foster parents! We could get a placement any day!!

Our hope is to be able to adopt, but we are also open to having children temporarily. They need love & a good home too!! I'm excited and also nervous!

I hope to post more in detail about foster care later.

Apple Darlings

In my last post I talked about the waiting I've been doing over the last few years. So I decided to post about some of the fun things I've been doing in the meantime. I don't want my life to be on hold! I want to live & enjoy life even while I'm waiting to hold that little baby in my arms! :)

So here was a recent culinary adventure. :)

Wanna see what put a big smile on Hubby's face??

I started out with a pie crust recipe made with flour, shortening & cold water. I rolled it out & used my new handy dandy pastry cutter to cut 6 in. x 6 inch squares.

Next came a spoonful of small apple slices sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.

I topped the apples with a large dollop of my homemade apple butter. Mmmmmm.... Fall was definitely in the air while making these!!

Next I folded them up like so and....

cut some little leaves to go on top.

I wanted a crispy, shiny crust, so I brushed it with milk and sprinkled sugar on top!

In you go, my little apple darlings! I baked them starting at 300 and eventually went up to 350. I totally improvised!

Out you come, all toasty & brown!

What a delicious treat!!! Homemade apple pie in a darling little crust! Just right for one person!

Waiting

Waiting....I've done a lot of that in the last few years.

First, Jay & I waited for a year to get married while I was in Asia and he was back here in the U.S. It was agonizing at times, and time seem to creep by SO slowly!! Some days it felt as if we'd never be together again. But here we are, married 3 years. And despite the 4 miscarriages, it's been a wonderful 3 years spent with Jay.

Since getting married I've spent a lot of time waiting as well. I've been waiting for the right time to take a pregnancy test, waiting for a positive ovulation test, waiting for a doctors' appointment, waiting for surgery, waiting to know if our baby would be okay, waiting for my body to heal, waiting to try again....

And here I am waiting again after 4 miscarriages and 3 surgeries. This time I'm waiting to see if the specialist was right. Were the losses really caused by a septum in my uterus that other doctors missed? Was the surgery a success? Will I be able to carry our baby in a normal pregnancy? I'm waiting for the doctor to tell me, "You can try again."

But this time I really don't mind the waiting.

In fact, I am SO thankful that I can just wait. No plans, no dates, no pressure. I'm just resting. I'm just content, knowing that I can't try right now even if I wanted to. I have no choice but to wait.

Oh, what a wonderful feeling it is to be able to think of other things like baking and cooking and traveling and seeing friends and spending time with family. What a blessing it is to not be going into surgery or to be obsessively checking myself in the bathroom to see if I'm bleeding.

And I don't feel guilty for waiting because I can't do anything else right now. I'm under strict orders from the doctor to not "even THINK about getting pregnant right now!" So that's that. I can't do anything about this period of waiting, so I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest!!!

I'm looking outside my window right now, and what a beautiful day it is! Fall is my favorite time of year. I'm looking forward to waiting & resting over these next few weeks while I eat caramel apples and see beautiful leaves and bright orange pumpkins and blooming mums. I'm looking forward to visiting the apple orchard with Jay and sitting down to a good book. I'm looking forward to drinking hot chocolate and baking a homemade dessert. I'm looking forward to running in our neighborhood with Jay...

I hope y'all enjoy your day today. Do something you love! And if you're like me and still waiting on that precious baby, take advantage of the waiting time. Do things you enjoy. If you can, do something you've always wanted to do. Go with your husband on that trip or read that good book that you never make time for.

I'll be posting about my little adventures over the coming weeks. Stay tuned for: a made-from-scratch recipe that I created, a week at the beach, redecorating my house & maybe even a book review. :)

God Bless You All! I often pray for you, my blog friends.

Your friend,

Birdie

creekjc at nctc dot com

A Big Monster at My House!!! (Weekend in Pictures)

Jay's parents have a farm and lots of animals. I married a true country boy, and I LOVE it!! We got to go riding on Labor Day. Forgot my boots that day!

I love this picture because it makes me look like a true horsewoman, which I truly am not. haha Yes, I'm from the Bluegrass State, home of the Kentucky Derby. But I've had a fear of horses ever since my horseback riding class in college, where my horse's name was Goliath. He was a goliath - completely HUGE! And stubborn! He sensed my fear and often disobeyed and did things to strike terror in me! But this sweet little horse is gentle & cute. Her name is Lady.

Here's the true horseman. I love to watch Jay ride. He's so at ease on a horse, and it makes me excited for him to teach our kids to ride someday.

I used my lovely NY&Co coupon to get this outfit! Everything is new except the shoes. And I was super excited to find jeans that I actually LIKE!! Have y'all heard of the Premium Flare Jean? It was voted the "Universal Best Jean for EVERY Body Type" by SELF magazine. I was skeptical b/c I struggle with finding the right jean. But it turns out that I love them!

Do any of you love pie? I do like them. But I think I like making them even more than eating them. I made this one completely from scratch! Here's what's on the inside:

Here we've got the vanilla filling cooking on the stove, the homemade crust with the bananas cut up in the middle, and the meringue over to the side. It's a banana cream pie.

Jay & I decided to go feed the ducks at a beautiful park about 30 minutes away. We got there with our 3 loaves of bread, but alas, there were no hungry duckies to be found. :(

So we just goofed around and took some pics instead. Too bad this ugly fence is in the way. They were doing some construction. But you can see how pretty the park is.

And now, for the monster that came to my house.....

We looked out our window and saw this ratty looking creature! It's a possom! And he's been eating my little kitty's food! It was crunching the food real loud and then sauntered off with a full belly. I'm hoping he doesn't come back! But Frisk's bowl was suspiciously completely clean yesterday evening. Looks like he may have visited again.

I had a wonderful weekend, and I hope you did too!

And now, I hope we all have a wonderful week!

Our Other Sites

My husband, the artist!

When my mom first told me about Jay (4 years ago now) & asked if I'd be willing to go out on a date with him if he asked, I wasn't sure.

I vaguely remembered him from high school, thinking of how he roped & rode horses & wore boots & Wrangler jeans.

It wasn't that I was against any of those things! In fact, I LOVE all of those things about Jay. He's the perfect mix of country & sweetness & manliness all at the same time.

But 4 years ago I didn't know that. I was worried that we wouldn't have the same interests, that he wouldn't be interested in world missions or artistic things like plays & concerts. Would he be able to appreciate my love of reading and my passion for sharing the Gospel with those who have never heard?

Well, I was COMPLETELY blown away!!! He picked me up in a little red sports car, and we spent the whole evening talking about everything! To top it all off, he even played piano for me & SANG!! How sweet!!!! I also got a peek at some of his drawings & paintings. Boy, my preconceived notions were WAY off!!!!

Being "country" is a wonderful thing, especially in Jay's case where it's paired with artistic ability and a whole lot of sweetness & goodness of heart.

Sometimes I tell Jay that I think God has doubly blessed me. I tell him that this probably isn't really the way God works, but sometimes I wonder if God has blessed me so much in other areas of my life because He's seen me have such a hard time with the miscarriages. God's been good to me.

So, all of that mushy stuff about Jay to say that I haven't mentioned our other websites in a while that showcase some of his artwork, so I thought I'd do it today!

If you'd like to see some of Jay's artwork, please check out Studio by the Creeks. He does all sorts of things from portrait drawing to oil & acrylic painting to graphic design & web design. And if you'd like to hear him sing, you can go to the Downloads button & listen. My personal favorite (and the 1st song I ever heard him sing) is It is Well. That's him playing piano too. If you feel like listening to more, also check out Your Beloved.

After you check that out, please head on over to our Painted Pixels Paintography site. It shows some really beautiful digital painting that Jay does. And it's much cheaper than an oil painting, so it's a nice alternative.

Thanks so much for looking!

I hope that y'all have a WONDERFUL holiday weekend!! Enjoy every moment!

As always, feel free to email me:

creekjc @ nctc. com

God Bless You All!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I'm 31! Woah! Hard to believe! But I don't really care about the number. I'm just so happy to be alive and healthy and happy!

It's been a GREAT day!!!

Last night I had a wonderful home cooked supper at Mama & Daddy's. Then we reminisced over my old scrapbooks & picture albums. Plus, I got a gift card to The Ol.ive Gar.den!

Jay woke me up this morning with a cake, candles, birthday banner, card, confetti & a big gift bag with a soft, fluffy robe inside!!!

And I spent the day with my mom, sister, & baby niece. We shopped, ate, & painted at a paint your own pottery shop. What fun!!! I also got a pretty glass cake stand from my sister & some money from my in-laws. My mother-in-law knows I love to shop! :) I plan to go to NY&Co.

I've already asked Jay if we can extend the celebrations through the coming weekend. He thought it was a good idea. :)

This is the necklace I made today at the paint your own pottery shop. We had a good laugh over how long it took me to paint it (a long time!). Hopefully it'll look better once it's been fired. :) But even if it doesn't, it was a lot of fun!

I was thrilled with the pretty cake stand my sister got me!

This is the cute card Jay got me. Notice the confetti he'd spread on the table. :)

Opening my card & gift card at Mama & Daddy's

Jay & I really enjoyed supper. Mama sure knows how to cook! I'd put her up against Paula Deen any day! :)

I'm so thankful for another year & pray that this is the best one yet!!!

Come on down...

Come on down! You're the next contestant on the Yard Sale is Right, and you could win one of these lovely prizes!

Actually, these are all the goodies I got yard-saleing on Friday. Let's see... Here's the stash:

2 flags to hang outside

an Old Navy skirt

a shabby chic chandelier (still in the packaging)

a book on Kentucky flower gardening

2 antique glass dishes

2 rooster trivets

an apple peeler

a white round thingy to roll dough on (not sure how this works, but hey, it was only $1!)

Grand total: $25.75

Even better: Time spent with my mom, sister & baby niece. :)

I LOVE going to yard sales! It's a new hobby of mine!

***********

I'm still feeling a bit like I need to get away from things, as I talked about a little in my last post. And I want to thank those of you who wrote me with your encouragement & your own experiences. It always helps just to know that somebody out there really understands.

I did have a good post-op visit yesterday with my ob/gyn which was helpful. I talked to him a little about some of the anxiety I've had, and he was very understanding. I also got a good report that everything looks good from the surgery.

My birthday is next Tuesday, so I think I'm also feeling better b/c I know I have some special celebrations coming up. :) It helps me to have fun things to plan for and look forward to. I may even go get a massage next week! I LOVE massages!

I look forward to the next couple of months while trying to conceive is on hold. Plus, we have a big beach vacation coming up soon!!!!! Woohoo!!!! Jay will finally ask off work for something OTHER THAN a surgery or doctor visit!!! Thank You, Lord!!

I'm still very optimistic & very hopeful. I'm so thankful for all my blessings, for I know that even my very breath comes from the Lord. And I still believe that one day I will hold my baby in my arms, whether biological or adoptive (hopefully both)! And I will be SO excited to share it with you & finally post pics of MY baby!!!! :)

God Bless You All. I hope you have a WONDERFUL day. Let's all try to see the blessings that the Lord has given us today.

Apple Butter

Today the weather was beautiful here in southern KY. I also enjoyed making apple butter at my parents' house. It turned out really yummy!

I had some extra left over and not enough jars, so I'm thinking of using it for a pie filling. Maybe I'll do that tonight.

My post-op appointment is tomorrow. I don't have to go all the way back to Memphis for that. I'll just go to my ob/gyn. But just thinking of going to that office makes my stomach feel nervous. But it's just something I've got to do.

After you had your miscarriages, did any of you just feel like you needed to get away??

Sometimes it's hard for me b/c even the ring of my cell phone reminds me of my doctor's office calling. When it rings I get a funny feeling in my stomach. Some places or certain situations remind me of bad feelings.

Sometimes I feel like I need a break from it all for just a little while to reprogram my mind not to associate so many things with negative emotions.

I'm so thankful today that my God is the Lord God my Healer and that by His stripes I am healed!! Thank You, Father!

God Bless You All. I hope you're doing wonderfully! I often pray for you.