Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thinking on Things That are Lovely

The other day Jay & I met at the park for lunch. We have so much fun together. I'm so thankful for him.

Before Jay & Imet I had been single for several years. Every person I liked was never interested in me. In college we had something called Roomie's Night Out.
During Roomie's Night Out, your roommate would ask someone to go out with you. Then everyone would go out together on a huge date night. We would do things like bowling & ice skating. It was even a stretch for them to find someone to go with me! I don't know why I was so hard to find a match for. I mean, I don't think I was that strange or weird! haha It's just that nothing ever worked out. (Which, of course, I'm glad about that now!)

So for several years I stayed single and longed to be married. After college I spent 2 years in Asia. There were days of such immense loneliness over there. I prayed fervently for God to bring "the one" into my life. And I kept trusting Him with all my heart to do it.

Then, when and where I was least expecting it, God ANSWERED and did above and beyond anything I had even asked or dreamed of. I had just finished my first year in Asia and was home for a short summer break before going back for my second year. I never dreamed in a million years that I would meet someone from my HOMETOWN that very summer!!! I mean, I'm from a small town in southern Kentucky. I didn't think anyone here would share my interests and my dreams. Boy, did God prove me wrong!!

So while I was home that summer, my mom came in one night from church with a name written on a little piece of paper. She handed it to me and said, "Do you know him?" It was Jay's name. I remembered him from high school but only vaguely, and we'd never met. I was immediately uninterested. I told my mom that he probably wouldn't be my type. (I had in my mind that my husband would be from somewhere OTHER than my little hometown.) But my mom wouldn't give in. "Just give him a chance!" I finally gave in and said, "I'll go out with him once. But if I don't like him, that's it!!" haha God must have been smiling because I had no idea that I was about to meet my husband.

So a lady at church had told my mom about Jay. This lady was friends with my mom and also friends with Jay's mom. So the three ladies worked it all out, getting Jay's name to me, getting my phone number to Jay and encouraging him to call me.

A couple days later the phone rang. It was Jay!!! He had gotten up the nerve to call me! He sweetly and quickly asked me if I would like to go out to eat with him. We were on the phone about a whole 2 minutes!! :)

So we went and had a wonderful time. We talked the whole time even though we're usually both pretty shy. When I got home that night I still wasn't totally 100% convinced, but by our second date, I knew that this was THE ONE. Everything clicked and sparked, and we just KNEW! All those years of prayers by Jay & me and our moms and families and friends were being answered right before our very eyes!!

This picture was taken on one of our first dates together that summer.

We went to the KY State Fair in Louisville with my sister & her family. We had only been out a few times, and we were falling fast! :) Jay was the ultimate gentleman. He treated me like a princess and was so very respectful and sweet. Not only that, but I discovered his love for art and his talent for painting, drawing, singing & playing piano. And to top it all off, he's a good horse rider, roper & trainer. And most importantly, the loves the Lord!

We only got to be together for 5 weeks before I had to return to Asia for a year.
Here we are at the Nashville Airport. I felt like my heart
was breaking in two!!

While I was gone we wrote emails and letters and talked on skype every day. Here's Jay writing me an email. We missed each other SO much!!

The city I lived in in Asia was very polluted, so I often couldn't see the sky. So Jay would take pictures of the beautiful KY sky and send to me. It helped me get through a lot of homesickness.

During that year that I was in Asia, he and my mom came to visit me in China. It was Jay's first ever plane ride!! They stayed for 9 days. Then I came home for 3 weeks during our winter break. We got engaged while I was home, after knowing one another for 6 months. Then it was back to Asia again for the spring semester. The days ticked by so slowly.

When I finally was home to stay, we got married 6 weeks later!! It was one of the happiest, most magical days of my life!

We honeymooned in Virginia & had a wonderful time.

Now we've been married almost 3 years, and I love him even more than I did on our wedding day. I still often think of the miracle that God did when He brought us together. I'm so grateful. I'm so very blessed.

It was so fun reminiscing today! I hope that y'all all have a wonderful day today & think on some lovely things today that give you joy.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil. 4:8

Monday, July 26, 2010

Surgery Scheduled

So today I got a call on my cell phone from the RPL specialist's office in Memphis. They've already set up my surgery date for August. When the lady is telling me this, I'm feeling very uncertain. Last week when I met with the doctor for the first time he said that he wanted to get some of my labs back and also review my HSG films and other info that hadn't arrived yet from my other doctors. Then he would make a decision about the surgery.

So does that mean that he already reviewed them all and has definitely decided that I need the surgery? I mean, I don't want this hysteroscopy done unless he's really sure I need it!!

I told the lady that I would like to talk to the doctor if possible so that he can explain to me his interpretation of the films and why he does think I need the surgery.

So hopefully he will call in a day or two!

I've been struggling a lot lately with fear. I've always been a healthy person until all of these miscarriages. Now the devil is trying to use it against me and tell me that something is very badly wrong with me and that there is some terrible disease somewhere in my body. I'm constantly feeling every lump, bump, ache & pain and worrying over whether or not something is terribly wrong somewhere.

I pray about it all throughout the day. I don't want to live like this. And I know I don't have to because God has not given me a spirit of fear. Please do help me pray that I'll get victory over this and not be afflicted by it any longer. It's stealing my joy, and I hate it. I have so much to be joyful over and thankful for. I want to live each moment to the fullest!

I hope you all are doing well & having a great day!

P.S. If you haven't yet, please do check out our other blog: Painted Pixels. Thanks!! :)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Over 8 hours round trip to RPL specialist. Was it worth it?

Jay & I got up early this morning and hit the road at 5:45 a.m. We were headed to Memphis for my visit with an RPL specialist. (Side note: I don't know if his official title is "RPL specialist", but it is definitely an area of his expertise.) According to their website, their clinic is "one of a handful which has been instrumental in providing new treatments for all causes of RPL and frequently participates in clinical research studies."

As I've written before, after my 4th miscarriage at the end of May, I was ready to stop trying. My RE recommended going to Memphis, but I was VERY skeptical and almost canceled the appointment. Then just last week I finally decided to go. (I wrote more about that in my last post.)

After reviewing my chart from other physicians and listening to my history, he is 75% sure that I will need a surgery called a hysteroscopy with possible septum resection. Basically, a slender tube with a camera will be place in my uterus vaginally to look at the inside of my uterus. If there is a septum, he will then remove it.

It was questionable in the past whether or not I had a septum, but it was then decided after my HSG that it was not a septum but actually just an arcuate shaped uterus (i.e. It dips down in the middle). But now I am being told that this can still be a problem and may need to be removed. He's seen this very thing in other women when they were told it was not a problem.

However, it won't be decided whether the surgery will be needed until he reviews my HSG films which I didn't have with me today.

He also did some labs and a cervical culture to check for infection.

So for now I am just waiting until he reviews my labs and HSG films. And I'm okay with that. I'm not in a big rush right now. And if he says I need the surgery I will probably do it.

Jay & I felt like he was very competent. And b/c with the last m/c there was so much concern over whether it was a cornual ectopic or not and b/c other physicians in the past have mentioned that my uterus had a septate appearance but no septum, warning bells went off for him. He's seen this same thing before when there was indeed a septum.

I'm still taking one day at a time. I will wait patiently for him to review my records. And then I will likely have the surgery if needed. But I'm not allowing myself to get too excited over this or to think that I will be "cured". I've been there before and then been terribly disappointed. So I am trying to be realistic. Yet, I will say that my hope for a normal pregnancy & healthy baby is alive. It may be a small flame, but it's burning.

And above all, my hope in God is burning brightly. No matter what happens, I will love Him & keep following Him!

Thank you all for your prayers & thoughts.

If you're unable to comment on my blog, please email me:

I love hearing from you!!!

P.S. Was it worth the more than 8 hour round trip? Yes, I think it was. :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Coming to Memphis!

First of all, do you remember a couple weeks ago when I posted a pic of me after getting my hair done? My hair dresser curled it, and I loved it!!! I tried, VERY unsuccessfully, to replicate it to no avail. It looked awful when I tried to do it!! But after watching a tutorial online about how to curl your hair with a flat iron, I was somewhat successful for mine & Jay's date night on Friday. We went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant and then watched The Karate Kid. Very good movie! Okay, well, here are the hair pics!

Can you guess which one was done professionally and which one I did?? hehe :)

Well, the one of me in the blue dress is the one my hair dresser did. The one of me in the black dress in front of our wedding picture is the one I did before our date night! I've never been good at doing hair, so this was a pretty big accomplishment for me! :)

Speaking of big accomplishments, I am SO proud of Jay. He's currently exhibiting some artwork at our local public library! He was embarrassed but let me snap this quick pic of him in front of the exhibit! :)

So now for the main purpose of today's blog: I'll back up to how I decided to travel over 4 hours away to a fertility specialist...

After having my first 3 miscarriages, I took the big step to go to Nashville & see a RE there. I had a lot of hope because I knew that he was such a good doctor. And if you're like me, it's always encouraging to go to someone new, someone even more knowledgeable because you have hope that maybe there is some test that he can do that no one else thought of. I mean, this was the "big dogs" now. It wasn't just an ob/gyn in a small city. This was a reproductive endocrinologist in Nashville. We had to drive an hour and half to his office.

Sadly, as you know, I miscarried again at the end of May and had to have surgery. My RE (who I still really like even though he wasn't able to help me) did a D&C and laparoscopic surgery. I have a lot of respect for him & believe him to be a very good doctor. But when I went for my post-op check-up he basically told me, in a kind way, that there is nothing more than he can do for me. He doesn't know any more testing to do. So he recommended that I see a Dr. Kutteh in Memphis at Fertility Associates of Memphis. Dr.Kutteh's expertise is recurrent pregnancy loss. I haven't heard of many doctors in America who actually focus on RPL. But I still did not want to go.

As I've talked about before on here, I'm so tired of beings stuck with needles and having tests done. I'm so tired of waiting on results and having a sick-feeling stomach while waiting in the waiting room to be called back and feeling sick to my stomach when my phone rings b/c it reminds me of all the calls I waited anxiously for from my doctor's office. I'm tired of traveling to and from appointments. And honestly, I'm losing my desire for pregnancy.

That may sound awful. But for me pregnancy no longer holds excitement. For me, pregnancy represents loss and heartache and sickness and nervousness. I imagine if I did get pregnant again that I would constantly be going to the bathroom to see if I was bleeding, and I would be sick and exhausted (which of course would be worth it if I could actually deliver a healthy baby after 9 months). But then, inevitably, I would start bleeding and I would lose another baby. And I would have another surgery. And I would be heartbroken again.

BUT I know that God still works miracles. I know that God can do anything!! I've seen it here with several of my blog friends. I've seen it at my church where one of my friends has 2 children after 3 miscarriages and another has 2 children after 4 miscarriages. I KNOW that God can do ANYTHING!!! I still have faith in Him, and I am not bitter towards Him. I'm not angry. I love
Him. I'm so thankful for Him. And I KNOW that God is bigger than recurrent pregnancy loss!

But even though I know that God can do anything; that He can give me a baby through pregnancy if He chooses, I just don't know if that's His plan for me. And I just don't know if I can go through all the turmoil again. (But I will if He asks me to. And I know He'll be with me.) But yet, there is still a tiny glimmer of hope that motherhood through pregnancy could possibly be in my future. If I didn't have any hope at all, I certainly wouldn't be driving over 4 hours to Memphis to see Dr. Kutteh!!!

Honestly, I mainly want to go just b/c what if I did get pregnant again & lost the baby? Would I blame myself and think that maybe things could have been different had I gone to this doctor? Would I feel that I might have been able to prevent it? I know how I am. And I'm afraid that I would feel so guilty and struggle with blame.

So I decided that this is my last effort to find answers. After this, I believe that I've done all that I can reasonably do. I'm hopeful that he can help me. But I'm not getting my hopes up too high. I don't want to be disappointed.

My heart is opening up more and more to adoption. I know that I could love an adopted baby just as much as a biological child. No baby will ever replace the ones I've lost. I want THEM. But I can't have them. I know they're with Jesus. I love them. And I know that I will love all my future children too - whether biological or adopted.

So yes, after struggling with the decision, I am going to Memphis. I'm going to see this RE whose expertise is RPL. And I'll let you know what happens!

Are any of y'all from Memphis or nearby? If so, would you mind emailing me?? I'd love some info on restaurants, things to see, etc. I mean, if we have to go all that way, shouldn't we add some fun in there too?!

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm still new to the blogging world. But I'm learning more and more about how wonderful friendships can be formed here! Thanks to each of you who read my blog and especially to those of you who comment or send me emails. You are all greatly appreciated!!!

And to end on a lighter note, our fur baby fat cat Frisk (who is so funny!), was a birthday present from Jay right after we got married in 2007. I love cats! I've loved them since I was a little girl. So I was delighted to get Frisk, my very first INDOOR cat! He slept with us every night at the foot of the bed and sometimes even nuzzled in beside of me and even laid his head on my pillow before like a little person! haha Well, anyway, to make a long story short, we finally made Frisk an OUTDOOR cat. After 2 years and countless scratch marks on our window seals and countless bite and scratch marks on me (ha) plus hair everywhere, I couldn't take it anymore!! My fairytale dream of having an indoor cat has died! haha I still love him to pieces, but I also love having my house back! And he actually loves being outside. He seems SO much more content. I think he was bored living inside.

Well, Jay just recently completed a digital portrait of Frisk for me. It's from when he was little and loved playing with our fish Blue. I love it! Please check out our blog: Painted Pixels Paintography if you haven't already. He does these digital paintings for only $25. He'd love to do one for you! :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010


So today I downloaded the forms for the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Specialist in Memphis and started filling them out. Does that mean I'm going?? Ugh!!! I don't want to go. I don't even want to think about it!!! But I also can't stand NOT to go! I'm so torn, but I think that in the end we will go. Mind you, that's not a definite decision. But I would say that I am one step closer to going than canceling. But mentally, I just can't commit at this point. I still have until next week to decide. :)

On a side note, has anyone with RPL ever had testing to check for infection of the uterine lining or endometrium? The website says that it can be cultured and treated with antibiotics. Just wondering what this culture consists of? Pain?? I hope not!!! But if it gives us an answer, of course it would be worth it!

For those of you who are interested, here's the website of the clinic:

This link takes you directly to the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss page. My RE in Nashville said that he's a very good doctor & that his expertise if RPL. I haven't heard of too many doctors with that specialty. There's also a video to watch that is good. His name is Dr. William Kutteh. Anyone of you ever been to him?

Once again, for those of you unable to comment on my blog, please feel free to email me at:

I LOVE to hear from my readers!!!!!!!

God Bless You all and have a wonderful day!

Decisions Decisions

We borrowed Jay's parents' truck recently. I always liked to see him driving a truck. :) I think it's so manly. hehe

I'm still contemplating the appointment with the specialist in Memphis. I know I have to make a decision b/c it's coming up soon. Please do pray that I'll make the right decision.

I'm just so fed up with doctors' offices, to the point that my stomach gets butterflies & feels sick just thinking about going. But then there's part of me that wonders if this time could be different, if this doctor could actually help me.

I will let you know what I decide....

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Monday, July 12, 2010


Jay & I took foster classes back in the spring. We went through 10 classes educating us on the foster system and preparing us on how to care for foster children. After we finished the classes we put the accompanying paperwork on hold because we wanted to try again to conceive and knew that being pregnant and attempting to adopt at the same time wouldn't be good for us.

As most of you know, my fourth pregnancy ended at the end of May. I was about 7 weeks along when we lost that little heartbeat and our baby went to heaven.

Now we've been given the green light to move forward with fostering. We have most of our paperwork completed and anticipate being approved within 2-3 months if everything goes as planned.

I know that a lot of people think negatively about the foster system. But I have 2 nieces that were adopted through foster care. One of them was even brought home by my sister from the hospital. We love those girls so much, and our family would not be complete without them.

We know that our baby is out there somewhere. And we're trusting God to lead us to him or her... whether it be through pregnancy or adoption or both. Yes, both would be lovely, God!!! :)

In the meantime, I'm still not sure if I'm ready to see that recurrent pregnancy specialist in Memphis. It's still there in the back of my mind. I think I'll be ready to someday, just not right now.

Trusting in the Lord & hoping y'all are doing well!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Girls Night Out

Doesn't it look great?? Jay matted & framed our wedding painting. I love it!! I'm so pleased with how it turned out! There it is hanging in our living room!

To see the blog, click here:

So last night I had a great night. One of my BFFs from high school & I went to the movies. We saw the 9 o'clock show and didn't get home til almost midnight! Girls night out!! We laughed so much & had just as much fun as we ever had! It was really good for me!

We also told her little teenage sister about some of our crazy antics in high the time our band director separated us and wouldn't let us ride the same band bus anymore to competitions. It was punishment for being loud and keeping all the other girls awake one night when we all stayed in a cabin before an out of town competition. Oh, we must have been so obnoxious!! But we had so much fun & not a care in the world!

Today is a new day! The sun is shining, and I'm ready to enjoy it! I hope y'all enjoy your day too!

Cast your cares on the LORD, and he will sustain you. Psalm 55:22

Monday, July 5, 2010

First Dance

I just had to share Jay's latest Painted Pixels paintography painting!!! Of course, this is my favorite one so far! :) We got it printed, and I can hardly wait to get it up on our wall.

This was one of the happiest days of my whole life. Jay & I had only dated about 5 weeks when I had to leave for China for a year. We'd spent that year writing letters & emails and were longing to be together again. I finally arrived back home at the end of June, and we were married in August.

We'd been apart for so long, and I had dreamed of our wedding day so many times that I practically had to pinch myself to make sure it was really happening. We were sooooooo happy!!!!!!!! And we still are. I'm so thankful that God brought us together.

If you want to see more of our paintography, check out

God Bless You all!!!!!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Unexpected Tears

Yesterday I had a Dr. appointment with my ob/gyn. It was the first time I'd been back since I lost the baby. I was dreading going there, walking in that building and down that long hall to his office, sitting in that waiting room where my family anxiously waited on the day I was bleeding, being examined in the same room I'd been told that I was likely carrying twins or multiples and then seeing it again later when something was terribly wrong.

I still didn't expect the tears, though.

They came almost the instant I crossed the threshold into his office waiting room from the hall. I checked in and went to the restroom. I was fighting not to lose it because I'm not a pretty crier. I'm not one of those women who can shed a few tears and then everything be normal again a couple of minutes later. I'm the kind of crier that begins crying...and cries...and cries...and can't stop, and my face gets blood red, my eyes swell & I can't utter a word - only pitiful squeaks! So I DID NOT want to start crying in that office. If I did, I knew I wouldn't even be able to communicate with the doctor! And imagine me sitting in a crowded waiting area, sobbing! What would everyone think??

So there I was in the bathroom, remembering my sweet husband and how we sat there, not knowing if our baby would live or die, hoping for the best but knowing we would probably lose her, lose our fourth precious baby. I was whispering, "Help me, Lord. Help me, Lord."

And He did. I was able to walk out of that bathroom with my head up, find a seat and read a book that I'd brought along. Believe me, that was God!! I couldn't have done that on my own. God gave me strength. I'm so thankful for that!!! And then the doctor and staff were all very kind to me. I'm very blessed with a good doctor.

I'm still missing my babies today, but I'm thankful for the hope I have.

On a lighter & more upbeat note, Josh & I added another post to our Painted Pixels Paintography website. It's of our little niece Sheena. All of the 3 posts so far are of my sister's 3 children. They're all adopted, and we love them to pieces!!! Look at their faces and you'll easily see 3 of the biggest reasons why Josh & I LOVE adoption!!! I hope you'll go check it out:


Friday, July 2, 2010


Oh my goodness...I'm very excited to reveal a project that Josh & I (mostly Josh) have been working on!

Today's post is in honor of a new aspect that we have added to our small business. Drum roll, please....


This is a sample of what we do. This is our little niece Miley!

Josh has been painting for years - both oil and acrylic. And now he is branching out into digitial painting. It's a very affordable (and beautiful) alternative to oil painting. I am SO excited about this and hope y'all like it, too. Please let me know what you think!!!