Saturday, February 27, 2010

Foster Class #2

Today we were at our foster class all day long. That was class #2. Two down & 3 to go!! In a few months we could be foster parents, hopefully moving toward adoption!! And I still believe that God is going to bless us with biological children as well. What an exciting time to know that our journey to becoming parents is well on its way! My dream is to be a stay at home mom to a big family. I have such wonderful memories of my mom taking care of us. I remember her having a big garden, cooking wonderful suppers, sewing clothes for my dolls. She was always busy keeping our home. I felt very safe & secure as a child. I have such a longing in me to be a mom and give my children a warm, secure home. Sometimes it's a struggle for me to go to work every day when my heart yearns for something else. But I keep reminding myself that God has placed me at my job for a purpose and that I must be patient as He works out His plan. I want to honor Him in everything and trust that He knows the desires of my heart.
Tonight I'm feeling hopeful. The other night a friend at church (who also experienced 3 miscarriages and has 2 beautiful boys) smiled as we talked and with tears in her eyes said, "God's restoring your hope!" She could see it on my face & hear it in my voice. While I'm still not finished with tests and Dr. visits and everything that comes along with recurrent pregnancy loss, I have hope. I know the reality of recurrent miscarriage. But God is healing my heart & restoring my hope. And I'm so thankful for that!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Friday, February 26, 2010


I'm so thrilled that I now have 6 followers on my blog! I'm really enjoying blogging and reading all the updates on the blogs I follow. If you enjoy looking at my blog, please do become a follower or leave a comment. It makes my day! Thanks and God Bless You!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Ephesians 3:20-21

For a long time this has been one of my favorite Scriptures:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

I had this Scripture hanging on my wall beside my bed when I lived in Asia. I was very homesick and very lonely. I relied on God a lot. I had been single for several years, and my heart's desire was for God to bring my future husband & me together. I often thought of this Scripture and prayed, asking God to do even more than I could ask or imagine. And that's exactly what He did. When He brought Jay & me together, He made it so much more perfect and wonderful than I had even thought to ask for! And I give Him all the glory for that!!

Now, here I am again often praying that same prayer. This time not for a husband but for a baby. And I have so much faith that somehow God is going to do even more than I can even ask or imagine! And I will give Him all the glory for it! I don't know how He's going to do it. I just know with all my heart that He will.

I had my first fertility specialist appointment on Thursday, and Jay and I had our first fostering class on Saturday. I'm so excited to see how God will work through this. By this time next year we could be well on our way to that big family that I dream of. I could be a stay at home mom, the job I've dreamed of for years. :)

Yet, despite all my faith and hope, I still must say that even if God doesn't answer my prayers in the way I hope, I will still love Him and praise Him. He's the one who gives me my very breath. He's forgiven my sins and made me a new creation in Him. Knowing that I'm going to spend eternity with Him as the ages roll is enough to make the tears come and make my heart burst with thankfulness and humility that He would die for me!

I love You, Lord, and thank You for your faithfulness!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Exhuasted but Joyful

It's hard on me going from doctor to doctor having test after test run. Yesterday on the way to the fertility center my head ached from having my brow constantly furrowed, my stomach was churning and burning, I had absolutely no appetite, and my leg muscles ached from being so tense. I go through this almost every time I go to the doctor. I didn't realize how tense I was until afterwards on the way home I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. A panic attack AFTER I was leaving the center!!! It was like it hit me all of the sudden. I guess it's a little similar to when someone's adrenaline is pumping during an accident. They're in flight mode, senses heightened, heart racing, muscles ready. Then when it's all over it hits them what they've just been through. I guess that's the way it was with me yesterday on a smaller scale. So, I didn't actually have a panic attack. I just suddenly felt like I could hardly breathe and like I was suffocating in the enclosed car. I had to roll down the window and focus on breathing slowly in and out. Fertility problems are NO FUN!!!!!!

I've still felt wiped out today and exhausted. I went to the grocery after work today. When I got home I unloaded everything and lay down on the couch to rest. When Jay got home he came in the house and asked me what was going on. He said, "Did you know the trunk to the car was open? And the front door wasn't shut?" WHAT??? I don't remember that AT ALL!! I have no recollection of not shutting the trunk or not shutting the door to the house. It wasn't wide open but just not completely shut and latched. I always shut the door and lock it b/c I'm kind of a wienie and don't like to be home with an unlocked door. But today, for some reason I didn't. I think my brain was seriously not working properly b/c of all the stress of yesterday's appointment.

Nevertheless, I'm still very hopeful and very excited about what the future holds. Not only are we further investigating the cause of our 3 losses and getting some encouraging reports but we're also STARTING FOSTER CLASSES!!!! I'm SO excited! We have experience with foster care b/c 2 of my nieces were adopted through the foster care system. I also have an adopted nephew. I'm absolutely crazy about all 3 of them! They're a big part of my life. Jay and I have had a heart for adoption for a long time. Even before the miscarriages we knew we wanted to adopt at some point. We didn't know it would be this soon. But God has led us here, and we're trusting Him completely! Our plan is to take the classes and just see where He leads from there! In the meantime we'll continue pursuing our dream of being biological parents as well.

On a side note, here's another reason I really like my fertility doctor: He cares about my pain & wants me to have as little as possible. He knows that I was REALLY nervous about having the HSG done. I know that lots of women have it done. Lots of women do fine. But I've heard of horror stories where the pain was almost unbearable. I'm not a fan of pain. I hate to even get a shot. (I know that's especially ridiculous b/c I'm a nurse and have given 100's of shots. But just for the record, I try to be very gentle!) So anyway, I asked him what medicine I can take before the HSG. "Two Aleve," he said. "Two Aleve?" I asked with a disappointed look on my face. I may as well have said, "That's all?? That's all you're going to give me??" because my expression and tone said it all. He laughed and asked, "Would you like a narcotic?" I didn't skip a beat, "Yeah I would!" He said he really doesn't think I'll need it b/c he has really good technique and most women do really well with him. But he gave me a prescription anyway. Thanks, Doc!! I know my nerves will appreciate it even if there's no pain!

And here's one of the reasons I love Jay so much: Yesterday at my appointment there I was sitting on the exam table in one of those icky hospital gowns with a drape across my lap waiting for the doctor to come in and do my exam and ultrasound. Jay could tell I was a nervous wreck (b/c the doctor mentioned that he might do a test where he injected saline into my uterus). Jay came over and put his arms around me and began to pray. God answered and gave me sweet peace! I love my husband!! And by the way, the doctor didn't end up doing that test anyway. I was relieved!

Last of all, I've got a verse on my mind that I'd like to leave you with: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My First Fertility Center Visit

Okay, so today was the big first ever appointment at a fertility center! And the good news is that I really like my doctor. What a relief! Well, there's even better news than that. Not only does he NOT think that I have a uterine septum (extra tissue in the uterus that needs to be surgically removed), he also thinks that my husband and I have a very good chance of being able to have a baby. He said that I have lots of good eggs and that I'm still young. (That's good news b/c sometimes I think I can hear that biological clock tick tick tocking in my ear!) He thinks I may need a low dose aspirin a day when I become pregnant again due to a possible clotting disorder. He also recommends that I begin a low dose Clomid (fertility drug) to help speed along getting pregnant. For now, the next step is an HSG (putting dye in my uterus and taking an x-ray) next month. Then we'll know for sure whether or not I have a septum. So for now it's more waiting. But he was very positive, very thorough, and seemed very confident.

Jay and I have had 3 losses. My doctor told me today that he and his wife also experienced 3 losses. It's very comforting to know that I have a doctor who truly understands where I'm coming from. He said that he would estimate my chances of having a baby with my next pregnancy at about 70%. Because 2 of my losses were technically chemical pregnancies he thinks that increases my chances for sustaining a pregnancy in the future.

We talked about so many things I can't even remember it all or write it all here. He listened to my seemingly endless list of questions and answered every one of them very patiently.
I'm so thankful for a good report. It's so encouraging & an answer to my prayers. Yet, I still ultimately put my hope and trust in God. Thank You, Lord, for answering prayers. Thank You for having a plan. Thank You for being so trustworthy & faithful!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

God is in Control!

Dear Specialists' Office Who is Investigating My History of Recurrent Miscarriage,

Please call me when you say you are going to. And, whoever I talked to today, please don't be short with me. I've already been through a lot and could use a little extra compassion from you if you can spare it. And please don't send me on a wild goose chase calling my primary physician then you again and back and forth. I'm sure you have a hard job and a lot to keep up with. I know that misunderstandings happen. Just please at least be really nice! Thank you.


So today and yesterday were a little difficult for me. I felt very out of control and at the mercy of the doctors' offices that I go to. Yesterday when I talked to the fertility clinic that I'll soon be going to I found out that they hadn't received any of my records from my other specialist. I thought to myself, So were you ever going to call and tell me that? If I hadn't called you to ask a question about my insurance, would you have ever even noticed that my records hadn't been faxed yet? But of course I didn't say that. I just called the specialists' office and asked them to please fax over my records.
I also asked about some of the prices for consultation, testing, etc. Yikes!!! Fertility clinics are EXPENSIVE!
And then today when I spoke to the high-risk pregnancy specialists' office who is investigating the cause for the 3 losses I've had, the person I talked to was a little short with me. And I had to make several calls to try to figure out how to get my blood work results.
So yesterday I was feeling quite overwhelmed and out of control when I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to God. I know I'm not in control. I don't want to be in control. God is. I've given my life to Him. When God reminded me of the truth that He is in control of my life and that He is my loving Father who is faithful, I felt so much peace. I turned it all over to Him, casting my cares on Him because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7) Thank You, Lord, for the peace you give! Thank You that even though someone was short with me, even though I felt out of control, and even though I'm facing a lot of medical bills, You have a plan. I trust You with all my heart! And even though today was a little hard, You reminded me again that You're taking care of me. I can trust You! What a wonderful Father I have!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My First Fertility Specialist Visit

Well, this week is kind of a big deal. So I've read lots of other women talking about going to their RE. I figured out that meant Reproductive Endocrinologist, which I'm assuming means your fertility doctor. I'm a little new to all this, so I'm still learning the jargon. Well, my first appointment with my RE is this week!
I've already had tons of blood work done at my ob/gyn's office. At one appointment they drew 10 tubes!! Yikes! Everything has been normal.
I've also seen a high risk pregnancy specialist who did a little further investigating and then referred me on to the RE. I'm VERY excited and VERY hopeful (and nervous too)!! The main purpose of seeing the RE is for him to do an HSG.I'm really hoping he can provide some insight in to what's causing these miscarriages as well as some interventions!
So I had an MRI a while back b/c I was too chicken to have the HSG done. The report was written very poorly and was contradictory, stating in one place that I have a uterine septum and stating in another that there is no uterine septum. So now here I am having the HSG done anyway. To be honest, I'm a chicken when it comes to tests and needles. I hate pain. My stomach cringes in anticipation. I lose my appetite before a potentially painful appointment. But a friend reminded me the other day that if all of this testing leads to a baby it will all be worth it. And that's really what this blog is about. Despite everything I go through, when I someday hold my baby in my arms I'll know that it was worth it all!
So, I'm going to make some phone calls to my insurance company, take some notes and get all my paperwork together for the big day.
So far I've been told by my ob/gyn and my high risk pregnancy specialist that they believe I have a good chance for being able to have a baby. That brings me hope. But, above all, my hope still rests in God.

"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God.
Psalm 146:5

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Love & Romance

So, being as tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I guess it got me a little sentimental tonight. My friends on Facebook are writing about their husbands and I started remembering how Jay & I met and then had to be apart for a whole year while I was living overseas. I was teaching in Asia and had come home for the summer. I'd been single for 3 years and had been earnestly praying for God to bring my husband & me together. During my last 5 weeks at home Jay & I met and had a storybook romance to rival any fairytale! :) Those weeks flew by and my heart ached to think I would have to leave & finish out my teaching commitment in Asia. Every day we spent time together doing sweet romantic things like eating supper outside on the big hill where my parents lived, looking at the stars while lying on a blanket (One night we saw the biggest shooting star EVER!), Jay serenading me with his angelic voice (He's my favorite singer!:), walking on his parents' farm... Every moment I just wanted to last and last. He was always a true gentleman, and I have the fondest, sweetest, most romantic memories from that summer. It was everything I'd ever hoped & prayed for and more.
Our time apart was hard, and we had a countdown until we'd be together again. I had a little chalkboard that I would write the count on each day. I remember when it was in the 100's and seemed to ever so slowly be creeping down to zero. Some days it felt like it would never come!
Now I've been home from Asia for over 2-1/2 years. We got married shortly after I returned, and I love Jay more now than I ever have. I'm so thankful for him. And those longs months that seemed to stretch on forever when we were apart made me realize how blessed I am now.
Thank You, Lord, for answered prayers!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Beginning Birdie's Blog

Well, I never thought I'd write a blog. I never thought I had that much to say or anything to say that anyone would be interested in reading. That was before I experienced the heartache of recurrent miscarriage. Now I want to write because some days I need to vent my feelings and frustrations and yell about this terrible thing called recurrent miscarriage. Some days I want to share my triumphs, my hopes, my dreams for my baby that I just know I'm going to someday hold in my arms. And always, I want to share my hope. Without my hope in Jesus I couldn't make it through. I know He'll never leave my side. I'm so thankful that I'm not facing this without Him.
Thanks so much for reading my blog. To think that someone would show an interest in my journey is very humbling. I pray you'll be blessed, encouraged, & entertained as I write about everything from my cat Feather and his crazy antics to my sweet artist husband Jay (who's been known to be a little forgetful and do things like putting his shirts on backwards & wearing 2 belts to work) to my latest updates on our journey to baby!