Saturday, May 29, 2010

Moving Forward

Yesterday morning I had a repeat ultrasound done to make sure there was no heartbeat. There were no changes. So then I checked in at the hospital & prepared to have surgery.

Jay was with me as well as my parents, my sister, my niece, my pastor, and my friend from church. It really felt good to know there were so many there supporting me and loving me and praying for me.

I was scheduled for a D&C, and I was also prepared to lose the right side of my uterus as well as that right tube (due to a cornual ectopic). Plus, he was going to look at the left ovary as well and possibly remove a cyst.

God was so faithful and heard our prayers. He did the D&C then explored laporascopically. My uterus looked totally normal and did NOT have a cornual ectopic. Therefore, he did NOT have to do any operating on my uterus!!! Thank You, Lord!! I still have my whole uterus and both tubes! He also removed the cyst from my left ovary. He found some endometriosis implants as well. But it didn't look very severe. He was also able to send some tissue off for genetic testing.

I am SOO thankful for this surgery outcome. It could have been so much worse.

I'm at home recovering. I have 3 laporaoscopic incisions. They're small but oh SO painful when I try to get up out of bed or use my abdominal muscles in any way.

God is giving Jay and me strength & hope. This has been a very difficult time for us. But thankfully we've gotten to spend a lot of alone time together this week and got a chance to process a lot of what has happened. We're still very sad over the loss of our baby. But we are looking ahead and trust that God has a plan for us to be parents.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

No Heartbeat

I bled a lot yesterday. When I stood up at work I felt a familiar gush. When I checked with a tissue, it was covered in blood.

In a daze I called my o.b.'s cell phone. He told me I could come right in. We saw the baby & heartbeat. He was still very concerned about a cornual ectopic.

This morning I went to the specialist in Nashville.

There was no heart beat. Our precious baby is with Jesus. I was almost expecting it. I was trying to prepare myself. But it didn't keep me from breaking down in the office. I guess you can never really be prepared for something like that.

My specialist is also concerned about a cornual ectopic now as well. Friday I'm having surgery. First (at my request) I'll have a follow up ultrasound just to make sure there is no heart beat. Then I'll have a D&C with possibly laparoscopic surgery to examine the outside of my uterus for a cornual ectopic as well as uterine repair. He may have to remove part of my uterus or maybe something simpler depending on how severe it is. He's also going to look at a cyst on my left ovary that he suspects is endometriosis. He's hoping this will all be pretty straightforward and simple, but he really won't know what all it will entail until he gets in there.

I'm so sad over the loss of our baby. I feel so sorry for my babies who don't get to live in this world and get a chance at life. But I know they are with Jesus. I know they're okay. I'm just so sad...

The Lord is my strength. I don't understand Him, but I trust Him.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Having Some Problems...

I started bleeding heavily while at work today. At my o.b.'s office we saw the baby & heartbeat. He is still very concerned about a cornual ectopic. There's also a possibility of having lost a twin that was in my tube. (This is just a theory.) Or I know what else it could mean b/c I've experienced it 3 times already.... But I don't really want to think about that possibility right now.

I'm going to see the specialist first thing in the morning.

Though he slay me, yet will I trust him. Job 13:15 KJV

Sunday, May 23, 2010

One of the Best Days of My Life

I rarely post pictures, so I wanted to show you a picture of one of the best days of my life - our wedding day in 2007. I felt like a princess & was on cloud 9 !!

When Jay & I married, we'd only known each other for a year. And most of that year I had spent in Asia teaching English. It was truly a match made in heaven, completely orchestrated by God!! I'm so thankful for my life with Jay!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Feel SO Sick

I know it's a good sign. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that 24/7 I feel like I have the flu. I'm so incredibly exhausted and so terribly nauseated. All I want to do is sleep.

My RE gave me an interesting combination to help with the nausea:

1/2 of a Unisom tablet
Vitamin B6 tablet (lowest dose)

Take this at bedtime. May repeat in the morning if needed.

Interestingly, I think I might feel a tad better this morning. I was a little skeptical that it would be very helpful. But I'm going to give it a chance.

I'm still having pains in my belly. My RE thinks it's normal pains and nothing to be alarmed about. He said that if something's wrong I'll know it. The pain will be intense and won't go away.

I'm still praying for this miracle baby!!! Lord, please let everything be normal!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Another Wild Ride...But God is Faithful!

When I went to my ultrasound on Tuesday they did immediately see a gestational sac & heartbeat. Praise the Lord!! However, the tech became concerned about something she saw.... After several minutes of waiting that seemed to drag on for ages, we saw my doctor who said that it looked like I might have a rare & serious form of an ectopic called a cornual ectopic. It looked like the baby implanted way in the corner of my uterus. If it ruptured, it would be very serious b/c the uterus has a lot of blood flow and is made of muscle.

I didn't think I could handle anything else...

My nerves were raw. I hadn't been sleeping.

My ob has only seen 2 cornual ectopics in all his years of practice. So he called my RE to talk about it. They agreed that I would see my RE this morning (2 whole nights to wait).

I decided I couldn't stay another night in our house (which is 1.5 hours away my RE and 1.5 hours away from a big hospital that would know what to do to treat a cornual ectopic rupture). So we packed up and spent 2 nights in Nashville, close to my RE's office. Every little pain was a nightmare, but knowing that I was close to a good hospital and my RE made a huge difference. I was actually able to rest.

This morning I went to my RE's office for the ultrasound. He'd already explained that if it I do have a cornual ectopic it could be as simple as giving me some medicine, a simple surgery, or worse-case-scenario, a hysterectomy. A lot was on the life and also our precious baby's.

I had been clinging to God, praying, reading the Psalms daily. Last night I'd felt impressed to read about Hezekiah and how he was going to die but God heard his prayer and gave him 15 more years of life. 2 Kings 20

My family was praying. My friends were praying. Some of the ladies in my church were fasting for me. So many people were crying out to God on my behalf, and He gave me a peace this morning. I won't say that I wasn't nervous at all. I was. But I knew that He was with me!

As soon as the technician began the ultrasound she immediately said, "I don't think that's what it is." She called my doctor in who agreed with her that he didn't believe it's a cornual ectopic. They spent several minutes looking and both seemed confident that I do not have a cornual ectopic. We also heard our little baby's heartbeat!!!!

After the ultrasound my doctor went over everything with Jay and me. He explained how my uterus is shaped a little differently than most womens' and how it could make it look like I had a cornual ectopic. However, it looks like the baby is just implanted to the side but that my uterus will stretch accordingly.

Please keep praying for me.

He can't be 100% certain that it's not an ectopic. He's going to check me again in 2 weeks. In the meantime, I am to let him know if I have any problems.

I give all the glory to God who has heard the prayers of His people!!! He has done a miracle in my life today, and I will continue to pray for this miracle baby!!! This baby has already faced so much adversity, but God is so good & faithful to protect us.

As I read this morning before going to the doctor appointment:

We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests.

Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Psalm 20: 5-6

I read the whole Psalm 20 this morning which encouraged me so much.

So now I will shout for joy b/c I know that the LORD saves!! I trust Him with all my heart!! Thank you, Jesus!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Today's Ultrasound

Today I go for my follow up ultrasound. I'm praying for a good report. Please, Lord, don't let it be an ectopic. Let everything be a wonderful report.

Please do pray for me. Thank you!!

I will try to update tonight.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Ultrasound Day: A Roller Coaster Ride with a Major Twist

What a day!!

Two of the things that I never ever wanted to hear my doctor say:

"My suspicions are that it is either:
1) a blighted ovum or
2) an ectopic pregnancy"

So here's what happened:
I went to my new Dr. this morning to get my first ultrasound. The tech assured me that at this early in the game we would probably see nothing. (I'm only around 5 weeks, 1 or 2 days). And she was right. She saw...nothing. No gestational sac. Only enlarged uterus, thickened endometrium. Good. But not a sac. Good. But not a teeny tiny baby. I was very disappointed & scared.

So even though I'm not very far enough along, by this point my HCG should be high enough to see something according to my Dr's calculations (since it was 1149 one week ago). So he became concerned & suspicious that things were not as they should be.

He explained what an ectopic would injection of a scary sounding drug or surgery. A blighted ovum would mean miscarriage. But before any decision was made he wanted to check my HCG stat to give a clue as to what's going on.

The 2 hours I waited for the results were agonizing. I wept buckets of tears. I went through a roller coaster of emotions from depression to heartbreak to numbness. I couldn't understand why or how this could be happening to me again.

When I returned to the office, I found out that my HCG level is over 12,500. After that high of a number, my doctor didn't think it was a blighted ovum. He thought it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy. But he seemed puzzled.... Why wasn't I in pain? An ectopic pregnancy is usually very painful, and with an HCG of 12,500, I should already be in a lot of pain or at least have abdominal tenderness or bleeding. He poked around on my belly... Nothing. No pain. No tenderness. He'd also checked my blood level to make sure I wasn't losing any blood internally. It was normal.

I asked if he could call my fertility doctor for a 2nd opinion. He was more than happy to do so. He left the room, and I could hear him talking through the door. He was on the phone with my fertility clinic. Suddenly I heard him say something that was startling... He said,

"You think it's twins??!"

So there I was sitting with Jay in the exam room wondering what in the world is going on!??!! What does this mean??

My doctor came back in the room a few minutes later with a smile on his face. "They think you're carrying twins or multiples," he tells me. He goes on to say that that would explain it. I'm only around 5 weeks pregnant, so it's normal for nothing to show up on ultrasound. And my HCG is so high b/c I have more than one baby in there.

I can't even describe the relief I felt.... And my doctor was smiling & saying, "I don't know if you knew this, but I was so puzzled over this case. I never thought about the possibility of twins!"

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, he explained that there is still a chance of it being an ectopic pregnancy. He gave me his cell phone number to call this weekend if I have pain or bleeding. I'll return to his office Tuesday for a repeat ultrasound. He said that by then we should be able to see something.

I'm praying praying praying that they're right!!!!!!!!!!! Please, Lord, let it be!!!!

God is SO good!!! Please keep praying for me, my friends!

God bless you all!

I'm so totally worn out and drained that I can't write another sentence. Good night!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

First Ultrasound

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm nervous but also very hopeful! I'm praying that everything is exactly on track and looks just as it should!!

This will be my first ultrasound at a regularly scheduled appointment. In the past I either 1) miscarried too early to have an ultrasound or 2) had my first ultrasound in the ER while bleeding.

This is my first REAL ob appointment where everything is going well!!!!! How exciting!! Thank You, Lord!!

Please do pray for me. I am SO hoping & praying for an excellent report!!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Friday's Coming Soon

Friday is a big day. It's my first ultrasound & ob appointment with my new doctor. I'll only be about 5 weeks along, so I'm not sure how much they'll see. I'm just praying that everything is developed EXACTLY as it should be at this point in time.

So far everything is still going well. I'm still having the tingles in my belly. And it already feels bigger! That's probably more bloat than baby, though! I'm also feeling very very tired. I have a little nausea but nothing major.

I'm letting myself get a little excited. Please, Lord, let it be!!!

Thank you all for your continued prayers! I still need more peace. But God is helping me so much in that area. I've not been doing as many checks in the bathroom which is a big step for me. Please do keep praying that everything goes well! Thank you!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I'm Choosing Faith & Not Fear

I'm still doing well! I still have the tingles in my belly, which I'm told is a good thing, so I'm okay with that! It's become comforting to me. I'm also doing a lot of bathroom checks to make sure everything is okay down there. And I absolutely hate that I feel like I need to constantly do that! I want to relax & not worry & just know that everything is going to be okay. Unfortunately, to compound those fears, I woke this morning to a terrible dream where I was bleeding & in the ER. What a way to wake up on Mother's Day!! BUT I will NOT believe that dream & let it influence me. God has told me not to fear. He is with me!! I have prayed time & time again, asking Him to protect this baby. And I have to believe that He will do it.

Today I'm spending the morning at home & then visiting our parents. I felt it wise to stay home from church today b/c of the Mother's Day celebrations. I'm SO glad that they recognize all of the mothers & I think it's a wonderful thing. But I don't think I can handle being the only woman not recognized as a mother today. It's a very small church, and I am the only one without a child. But I am not going to be sad today! That's a decision I am making right now! I am going to celebrate all that God is doing in my life today!

A friend (who also suffered 3 miscarriages & now has 2 beautiful boys) reminded me last night of all that God has done. A little more than a year ago I was working a job where I was totally stressed to the limit, having headaches every day, & longing to be a mom. Right now, here I am in a new job, ready to be out for the summer (I work at a school), and expecting a baby. She was encouraging me to enjoy this pregnancy b/c with her little boy, she was so worried about miscarrying again that she never took the time to enjoy that time in her life. It was a good reminder. God is in control! I will do the best I can do, caring for this baby to the very best of my ability, loving it & nurturing it, and I will trust God to do the rest! In the meantime, I pray that I truly enjoy this time of my life!

I hope that you all have a wonderful Mother's Day today. If Mother's Day is a difficult day for you (as I well understand), then I encourage you to do something special today that you enjoy. Go eat at your favorite restaurant, rent a good movie, read a good book, go on a walk... My husband is actually making me breakfast right now which is a special treat. :) We were going to go out today and do something special, but our bank account is a little on the small side right now with all the RE bills. So maybe we'll just go out for a nice drive in the sunshine. It's a beautiful day! I hope you all have a wonderful day. My heart aches for those that are hurting & longing to be a mom. I pray that you find comfort & peace today in Jesus! God Bless you all!!!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Praising God for a Good Report!

Well, today was another big day. I went back to the fertility clinic & had my 2nd HCG level drawn as well as another progesterone level. I was on pins & needles waiting for my phone to ring with the results. And with no further ado...

HCG = 1149

Progesterone = 52

Thank You, Jesus!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Tomorrow is Another Big Day

And today is a great day b/c I'm pregnant (It feels so strange to actually say those words!), and I'm not having any complications. Thank You, Lord!!!

Tomorrow is another big day for me. I'm going back to the RE for a 2nd HCG test. The number should be double what it was yesterday. That means it should be at least 1,100. They're also going to recheck my progesterone level. They don't normally check that again, but b/c of my history and b/c I'm worried about it, they're going to check it!

I'm also starting 1 Endometrin every night. In case you don't know what Endometrin is, it's a progesterone supplement vaginal insert. Even though my progesterone level is a high, it will give me a little peace of mind to know I'm taking extra steps to try to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

Please pray for me!! I'm praying for a good report tomorrow!

I'm still having the tingles/burning in my abdomen, but I'm trying to look at it as a good thing and assurance that things are going well.

I'm also checking myself every time I go to the bathroom & in between times too to make sure I'm not bleeding. I hate that! I don't want to obsessively check for blood every few minutes! I'm praying for more peace!! For God did not give me a spirit of fear! Thank You, Father!

I'll let you know my results tomorrow! God bless you all!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Results Are In...

...HCG & Progesterone results, that is.

So, my positive pregnancy test was on Saturday, May 1st.

Today was my first visit since then to my RE's office for lab work.

And the results are.... (drum roll, please)

HCG: 550
Progesterone: 50

I am currently 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant.

The nurse said that those are good numbers. I feel encouraged yet still cautiously guarding my feelings.

I also asked her about the strange sensations in my lower abdomen. I almost constantly feel tingling & slightly burning sensations. She said this is normal & is probably caused from my uterus stretching. It's not cramping like when I had miscarriages in the past. But it's on the verge of a slight cramp/tingle/burn. It's hard to describe.

I also asked her about using Endometrin even though my progesterone level is great. She said she would talk to my doctor about it & call me tomorrow. She said that if it would make me feel better, then she doesn't see why I couldn't use it. She doesn't think it would hurt anything. But she's going to ask just to be sure.

I told her that I just want to feel that I have done everything possible to avoid miscarriage. She totally understood & was very kind and compassionate.

I want to thank the Lord for this answered prayer!!! I got a good report today!!! Thank You, Lord, for Your great mercies & provision. You are a wonderful God, and I love You!!

Friends, please do continue to pray for me that all goes well. Thank you!!

I will go back to my RE on Friday for another HCG level. They will check to make sure my level has doubled like it should in 48 hours.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Tomorrow's a Big Day

Tomorrow I'm going to my RE for my first labs since having a positive pregnancy test on Saturday.

I'm SOOO hoping & praying for a good report.

I should get same-day results.

I'm praying for my miracle baby!!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Staying Positive

Since my positive pregnancy test on Saturday evening I've been testing every morning. Sunday morning I did 2 different tests, both of which were clearly positive. This morning I did another test which was even slightly darker than yesterday's line.

This morning I called my fertility doctor's office to make an appointment. Unfortunately, yesterday brought severe flooding to Nashville & surrounding areas which makes it difficult to get to my RE.

As of now, my appointment is Wednesday. But I may try to change it to tomorrow. I'm only going for labs. And they will be done stat, which I LOVE!!!! Before going to the fertility clinic, when I was pregnant they would do labs and it would be days sometimes before I would hear anything. I would be on pins & needles. But I will get these results the SAME DAY!!!

One of my BFFs also gave me her leftover Endometrin. She miscarried and now has a 3 week old baby after using Endometrin. I'm going to ask my RE if I can use it too.

I've been trying to go on with life as usual. At first I fretted over the extra exercise I'd done last week & the heavy lifting I'd done at work on Friday before I knew I was pregnant. I was so worried that I'd done something to cause a miscarriage. My husband told me that I was acting as if I'd already had a miscarriage, when in fact, I'd just found out I'm pregnant. I realized that I can't agonize over every little thing. I've got to go on living life & not worrying every second over whether or not I'm going to have a miscarriage.

These past couple of days God has blessed me with a real sense of peace and a reprieve from worry & anxiety. I'm so thankful for this life that He's blessed me with, and I'm praying that He'll grant our heart's desire to have a normal pregnancy & get to parent this little baby.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Big News

So I spent the night out of town Friday night with some friends. I got home this evening & decided to do a pregnancy test even though it was too early to test. Well, to my surprise....


In a daze, I called Jay in to the bathroom to verify that there was indeed a faint line. He verified, to which I replied, "I'm scared."

According to my calculations, my cycle wasn't due to start until May 8th. How can it be positive a whole 7 days before that?

I had a positive ovulation test on April 19th.

The line is obviously there. At first it was barely visible but after a few minutes it's very clearly there.

I'm going to call my fertility doctor first thing Monday morning.

I know this post is scattered. I was so nervous earlier that my teeth were beginning to chatter and my legs were starting to shake.

Lord, my life is Your hands!!! This baby's life is in Your hands!!! Lord, please protect this baby & please grant Jay & I the desires of our heart... that our baby would be born normally & healthy and that we would be able to be parents to this precious little baby.

If you're a Christian, please do pray for us. I appreciate it so much! May God Bless You.