Tuesday, May 25, 2010

No Heartbeat

I bled a lot yesterday. When I stood up at work I felt a familiar gush. When I checked with a tissue, it was covered in blood.

In a daze I called my o.b.'s cell phone. He told me I could come right in. We saw the baby & heartbeat. He was still very concerned about a cornual ectopic.

This morning I went to the specialist in Nashville.

There was no heart beat. Our precious baby is with Jesus. I was almost expecting it. I was trying to prepare myself. But it didn't keep me from breaking down in the office. I guess you can never really be prepared for something like that.

My specialist is also concerned about a cornual ectopic now as well. Friday I'm having surgery. First (at my request) I'll have a follow up ultrasound just to make sure there is no heart beat. Then I'll have a D&C with possibly laparoscopic surgery to examine the outside of my uterus for a cornual ectopic as well as uterine repair. He may have to remove part of my uterus or maybe something simpler depending on how severe it is. He's also going to look at a cyst on my left ovary that he suspects is endometriosis. He's hoping this will all be pretty straightforward and simple, but he really won't know what all it will entail until he gets in there.

I'm so sad over the loss of our baby. I feel so sorry for my babies who don't get to live in this world and get a chance at life. But I know they are with Jesus. I know they're okay. I'm just so sad...

The Lord is my strength. I don't understand Him, but I trust Him.


J said...

How do you love a person who never got to be, Or try to envision a face you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live, when there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night. Wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before you ever were born, to live the lovely night of life but never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years. No more, no less, I think of you, the Angel of my tears.

-Author Unknown

This poem hit home when I first read it, and I thought you might like it as well. I'm so sorry for your loss...I'm here if you need a friend.

Stacey said...

Oh, my friend, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. My heart hurts for you. Please know that you have support and prayers here from people who care and understand this pain. Wish I could hug you, but I'm asking God to wrap His loving arms around you now. Praying for you and for your surgery on Friday.

Birdie said...

J & Stacey, thank you so much for sharing the beautiful poem and both of you for your sweet comments. It means SO much.

Dan & Hillary said...

Oh, Beth, I missed your last few posts. My heart is breaking for you right now. How could this be? As others did for me, I will petition Heaven for you and J, that healing would come and that God would guide your doctors. I am so sorry...

Birdie said...

Hillary, thank you so much! I really appreciate your prayers and sweet comments.

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