Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Coming to Memphis!

First of all, do you remember a couple weeks ago when I posted a pic of me after getting my hair done? My hair dresser curled it, and I loved it!!! I tried, VERY unsuccessfully, to replicate it to no avail. It looked awful when I tried to do it!! But after watching a tutorial online about how to curl your hair with a flat iron, I was somewhat successful for mine & Jay's date night on Friday. We went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant and then watched The Karate Kid. Very good movie! Okay, well, here are the hair pics!

Can you guess which one was done professionally and which one I did?? hehe :)

Well, the one of me in the blue dress is the one my hair dresser did. The one of me in the black dress in front of our wedding picture is the one I did before our date night! I've never been good at doing hair, so this was a pretty big accomplishment for me! :)

Speaking of big accomplishments, I am SO proud of Jay. He's currently exhibiting some artwork at our local public library! He was embarrassed but let me snap this quick pic of him in front of the exhibit! :)

So now for the main purpose of today's blog: I'll back up to how I decided to travel over 4 hours away to a fertility specialist...

After having my first 3 miscarriages, I took the big step to go to Nashville & see a RE there. I had a lot of hope because I knew that he was such a good doctor. And if you're like me, it's always encouraging to go to someone new, someone even more knowledgeable because you have hope that maybe there is some test that he can do that no one else thought of. I mean, this was the "big dogs" now. It wasn't just an ob/gyn in a small city. This was a reproductive endocrinologist in Nashville. We had to drive an hour and half to his office.

Sadly, as you know, I miscarried again at the end of May and had to have surgery. My RE (who I still really like even though he wasn't able to help me) did a D&C and laparoscopic surgery. I have a lot of respect for him & believe him to be a very good doctor. But when I went for my post-op check-up he basically told me, in a kind way, that there is nothing more than he can do for me. He doesn't know any more testing to do. So he recommended that I see a Dr. Kutteh in Memphis at Fertility Associates of Memphis. Dr.Kutteh's expertise is recurrent pregnancy loss. I haven't heard of many doctors in America who actually focus on RPL. But I still did not want to go.

As I've talked about before on here, I'm so tired of beings stuck with needles and having tests done. I'm so tired of waiting on results and having a sick-feeling stomach while waiting in the waiting room to be called back and feeling sick to my stomach when my phone rings b/c it reminds me of all the calls I waited anxiously for from my doctor's office. I'm tired of traveling to and from appointments. And honestly, I'm losing my desire for pregnancy.

That may sound awful. But for me pregnancy no longer holds excitement. For me, pregnancy represents loss and heartache and sickness and nervousness. I imagine if I did get pregnant again that I would constantly be going to the bathroom to see if I was bleeding, and I would be sick and exhausted (which of course would be worth it if I could actually deliver a healthy baby after 9 months). But then, inevitably, I would start bleeding and I would lose another baby. And I would have another surgery. And I would be heartbroken again.

BUT I know that God still works miracles. I know that God can do anything!! I've seen it here with several of my blog friends. I've seen it at my church where one of my friends has 2 children after 3 miscarriages and another has 2 children after 4 miscarriages. I KNOW that God can do ANYTHING!!! I still have faith in Him, and I am not bitter towards Him. I'm not angry. I love
Him. I'm so thankful for Him. And I KNOW that God is bigger than recurrent pregnancy loss!

But even though I know that God can do anything; that He can give me a baby through pregnancy if He chooses, I just don't know if that's His plan for me. And I just don't know if I can go through all the turmoil again. (But I will if He asks me to. And I know He'll be with me.) But yet, there is still a tiny glimmer of hope that motherhood through pregnancy could possibly be in my future. If I didn't have any hope at all, I certainly wouldn't be driving over 4 hours to Memphis to see Dr. Kutteh!!!

Honestly, I mainly want to go just b/c what if I did get pregnant again & lost the baby? Would I blame myself and think that maybe things could have been different had I gone to this doctor? Would I feel that I might have been able to prevent it? I know how I am. And I'm afraid that I would feel so guilty and struggle with blame.

So I decided that this is my last effort to find answers. After this, I believe that I've done all that I can reasonably do. I'm hopeful that he can help me. But I'm not getting my hopes up too high. I don't want to be disappointed.

My heart is opening up more and more to adoption. I know that I could love an adopted baby just as much as a biological child. No baby will ever replace the ones I've lost. I want THEM. But I can't have them. I know they're with Jesus. I love them. And I know that I will love all my future children too - whether biological or adopted.

So yes, after struggling with the decision, I am going to Memphis. I'm going to see this RE whose expertise is RPL. And I'll let you know what happens!

Are any of y'all from Memphis or nearby? If so, would you mind emailing me?? I'd love some info on restaurants, things to see, etc. I mean, if we have to go all that way, shouldn't we add some fun in there too?!

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm still new to the blogging world. But I'm learning more and more about how wonderful friendships can be formed here! Thanks to each of you who read my blog and especially to those of you who comment or send me emails. You are all greatly appreciated!!!

And to end on a lighter note, our fur baby fat cat Frisk (who is so funny!), was a birthday present from Jay right after we got married in 2007. I love cats! I've loved them since I was a little girl. So I was delighted to get Frisk, my very first INDOOR cat! He slept with us every night at the foot of the bed and sometimes even nuzzled in beside of me and even laid his head on my pillow before like a little person! haha Well, anyway, to make a long story short, we finally made Frisk an OUTDOOR cat. After 2 years and countless scratch marks on our window seals and countless bite and scratch marks on me (ha) plus hair everywhere, I couldn't take it anymore!! My fairytale dream of having an indoor cat has died! haha I still love him to pieces, but I also love having my house back! And he actually loves being outside. He seems SO much more content. I think he was bored living inside.

Well, Jay just recently completed a digital portrait of Frisk for me. It's from when he was little and loved playing with our fish Blue. I love it! Please check out our blog: Painted Pixels Paintography if you haven't already. He does these digital paintings for only $25. He'd love to do one for you! :)


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