Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Miscarriage Number Two

A few posts ago I wrote about my first miscarriage. Now, I'm continuing the story....

After that first miscarriage, my doctor was so reassuring and felt that it was unlikely to happen again. And all at once, after my own loss, I began to hear of so many women who'd experienced a miscarriage similar to mine. And most of them had gone on to have children. I learned the ugly fact that miscarriage is very common.

But I still didn't know anything about recurrent miscarriages. I had no idea that I would go on to experience four. At that time I didn't know anybody who'd had more than two losses.

After that first miscarriage in April Jay & I started trying again.

About 5 months later on September 11, 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test in the morning and another one that night.

This time I figured that I couldn't possible miscarry again. This time, Jay & I were going to be parents! A week passed. For one week I was pregnant with our baby and getting excited. Then on September 18th (one week later) I started bleeding a little bit that night. But I wasn't cramping, so I still had hope. But I was very afraid. I cried out to God in my journal and promised Him that I would praise Him in all things.

My next entry was on September 26th, 2008. It started, "I had another miscarriage. The Lord is my strength..."

I don't remember much about what happened between when I started bleeding on the 18th and the next entry on the 26th. I'm sure it involved blood work and a doctor visit. I'm sure it involved tears and pain. But, to tell you the truth, after 4 miscarriages and countless doctor visits it's hard to keep all the memories in order.

I do believe that I began to think that something might truly be wrong with me after this second loss. After all, my sister was never able to have children, so deep down there was always a little fear that I would follow in her footsteps. She, however, was never able to get pregnant. I didn't have a problem with that. My problem was carrying my babies to term.

I recently told my boss about my 4 miscarriages and how I'd love to be able to adopt someday. She told me that old cliche': "Well, I know of several couples who have adopted and then got pregnant. Sometimes I think that just takes some of the stress and pressure off and they're able to conceive." I'm not upset with her for saying that because I'm sure it's hard to know what to say. I mean, if I hadn't had recurrent losses myself, would I know what to say??

Still, it's difficult to hear that. She's not the first. And I think to myself, "Yes, but I'm not like those people. I don't have a problem getting pregnant." It's not that easy.

I didn't really mean for this post to turn into a list of statements I've heard from people that hurt. But hey, why not throw in a few more while I'm at it?? :)

Probably the most painful and frustrating one was when a dear woman whom I love told me after my 4th miscarriage that maybe I should just "wait a while." I was going to see a specialist about a month after my fourth loss and about a month before my 31st birthday and she thought that I didn't need to rush into anything.

Really?? I felt so frustrated and told Jay, "When she was my age she already had THREE children! She was already finished having children. And I'm supposed to WAIT a while?? I'm almost 31 years old and don't have even one child yet!"

Now remember, I love this woman dearly. She is somewhat of a mentor to me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. And I try to give them grace and remember that their hearts are in the right place. She didn't mean to hurt me. She loves me and only meant well.

Besides that, I know that I can be too sensitive. So I try to just overlook comments the best that I can.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's an odd one:

When I was getting ready to have my D&C and laparoscopy after my 4th miscarriage, my doctor and nurse actually discussed his children at my bedside. The nurse was asking him questions like, "Oh, is she driving already?.... Oh my goodness, I can't believe she's 16 already!" She was smiling and laughing, and I was thinking, "Hello! I'm lying here in this bed getting ready to have surgery because my baby died, and you're actually discussing children??" Oh well... That's just another one of those things to overlook because he's a great doctor, and my nurse was kind to me. I'm sure she never thought twice about it. The Lord's given me a countless measure of grace. I try to give grace to others.

I know that some of you reading have had lots of experiences like this as well. Sometimes it's kind of funny now to think back on some of the ridiculous statements. And then there are those people who have been so wonderful, caring and encouraging. Why doesn't anybody write posts on all the right things that people have said? haha Maybe I'll do that sometime!

Well, in the meantime, I'm loving my 2 year old Big Guy. I'm tired, but he's totally worth it! I hope that some of you might consider fostering and adoption. So many children need a loving home.

I hope you're all doing well. I'd love to hear from you! By the way, I REALLY want to change my blog. Can y'all recommend a good place to get a new blog design? creek jc @ nctc. com


Stacey said...

Boy, can I relate to so much of this post... the feelings that come with that SECOND loss, the less-than-sensitive remarks, and even the mixed-up memories after multiple losses that eventually run together (even though each is unique and difficult in its own way).

I'm so glad you are writing out these feelings! It can't be easy, but I believe it's therapeutic.

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