Friday, October 29, 2010

Miscarriage Number One

I've never really told my miscarriage stories to you before. I've thought about it several times but always put it off because there's always something more pressing to do, especially now that I have a 2 year old Big Guy that gets lots of my attention. Oh, I adore him!! :) But don't get me started on that sweetie or I'll never tell this story....

Jay & I married in August 2007. We were both 27. We were a match made in heaven, orchestrated by God after years of prayer and singleness. I met him while I was home from Asia for the summer. We dated for 5 glorious weeks. Then I had to return to Asia for another year. So we said goodbye and wrote letters and emails like mad, skyped daily and basically pined away for one another and lived for those sweet moments when we could hear each another's voice. Oh, the days the internet were out were SO hard!!!

Well, I finally came home, and we got married 6 weeks later. To this day, three years later, I still thank God for Jay almost daily and am SO grateful for him. I truly met my prince, and he treats me like his princess.

After only a couple months of marriage we decided to just let "nature" takes it course.... i.e. We didn't want to prevent a pregnancy but rather, give God free reign to do whatever He wanted. Only about 7 months after our wedding, I was pregnant. I could hardly believe it when I took the test. In fact, I think I took several tests and was in shocked disbelief... wondering "Is this really happening??!! We're REALLY going to be parents?!"

Jay & I were both so happy. I remember him smiling and laughing when he saw the test.

We kept our secret to ourselves, relishing it and enjoying just the two of us knowing.

Five days later I went with Jay to a job in Nashville. He was photographing a motorcycle for his job, and I went to help him. We had a fun day out. I watched him work. Then we went to eat at a big buffet. After we ate I suddenly felt funny in my abdomen. It felt like cramps. But it couldn't be because I was pregnant. We got in the car to go home, and the pain got worse. I checked myself and saw blood. I was so scared! I knew that something was wrong. I knew that I must be having a miscarriage.

We were over an hour away from home, and the pain quickly got very intense. It was the worst pain of my life. I had no pain medicine with me, and I didn't know why I was hurting so incredibly bad. I thought something was very badly wrong. I was pale and weak and hurting so horrendously. I thought maybe I was hemorrhaging.... I'd never felt pain like this before. I was afraid and sick to my stomach and cramping so terribly bad. The drive back to our hometown seemed like the longest ride of my life. I thought we'd never make it back.

I knew I had to get to the hospital because the pain was so intense. By this time I was bleeding heavily.

I remember that poor Jay was frightened and so worried about me. He kept looking at me as I lay in the passengers' seat in so much pain. But he held it together and just did the best he could to get me to the hospital.

I remember when we pulled up to the emergency room doors I couldn't even get out of the car by myself. Jay had to rush in and get a nurse. She came out with a wheelchair, and I could barely even stand to get in it.

My blood pressure was very low, and they started an IV and did some labs. I got fluids, and the doctor finally, and mercifully, gave me an IV injection of pain medication. Only then did the waves of cramps finally slow and then subside. I went for an ultrasound, and it showed nothing. There was no evidence of a baby. There was just ... nothing there in my uterus.

I remember a nurse telling me that my HCG level was very low, so I must have not been very far along. And I remember not really even knowing what HCG was exactly and not knowing what a normal range was. So the number meant nothing to me at the time.

I was finally released and followed up with my ob-gyn a few days later. She was kind and compassionate and used the term "chemical pregnancy". I really didn't understand it exactly. She assured me that this was very common and that it would be unlikely to happen again. I only knew that I was no longer going to be a mother or make Jay a father. Our baby was with Jesus now.

I later wrote in my journal,

God, I don't understand You, but I trust You. In all my life, LORD, I pray, Thy will be done - Thine and not my own. I love You, Father. I trust You, Father. I'll never stop following You, my LORD. Although I grieve the loss of our tiny little baby, I know she/he's safe in Your care. We'll meet in eternity.
Until I see You, LORD, I'll keep on believing that You are real and true and good!
Fill my loss with Yourself! Fill my pain with Your joy! Fill all voids with Your presence!
Romans 8:28

Yes, I had a lot of pain over the loss of that child and still do at times. I've shed many tears. And there have been times when I felt that my heart was breaking. There have been days when I cried out to God and times when I just couldn't even talk about it or think about it. The heartache was just too strong. But my God has always been faithful, and He's brought us through it all. Someday I pray that I will worship at the feet of Jesus with my little ones. What a day that will be!!

That was my first miscarriage of four. I still don't understand why. But I've learned that I don't have to understand. I just have to trust.

If you're going through the pain of loss, I pray that You'll feel His presence with You and be encouraged.

Since that time, I've experienced much more than I ever thought I could endure. But God gives me the strength I need, and He's never left me. And now, Jay and I are considering trying again. Next week we go back to Memphis to discuss our options. And we also have the sweetest little 2 year old ever in our home. Our story is still unfolding!! :) We have a lot of hope, and I still believe that someday, somehow we'll still have our big family whether that's through adoption or biological children or hopefully BOTH!!

God Bless You All! Thank you for reading my story. Please feel free to email me at any time: creek jc @ nctc.com I will try to email you back soon. I know there are a couple that I need to catch up on that came soon after we got Little Guy. I put off emailing and got behind. But I SO appreciate your emails and WILL write back!!!

Have a GREAT weekend!!!


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