Two Little Turkeys for Thanksgiving

Great news for us: Big Guy is going to be here for Christmas!

I just couldn't bear the thoughts of Christmas without him here. But I just kept trusting God, knowing that if that's what God asked of us that we would be able to do it.

We found out last week that he is going to be with us. And I'm SO very thankful for that.

Little Britches, sweet baby girl, who came to us Tuesday evening may leave us this Tuesday. We've only been together a few days so far, and I already feel like my heart will break when she leaves. Yet again, not my will but yours, Father. I know if this is what He asks of me that He will give me the strength to do it.

On a funny note, this is what happened on Tuesday. I had just checked out at K.mart, with Big Guy in tow and my mom checking out behind me when my cell phone began to ring:

Social Worker: Birdie, this is XYZ. I have a 4 month old baby girl. No known medical problems. Would you be able to take her?

Me: Uh.... What about Big Guy? Will she be able to sleep in his room?

(My mind is racing, my heart is pounding.)

Social Worker: Yes, she can.

Me: Uh... Let me call Jay and ask him.

Social Worker: (Laughter) I just called him, and he said, "Call Birdie."

Me: Okay. I'll call him and call you back.

Social Worker: Call me back as soon as you know.

I called Jay, and this is how our conversation went:

Jay: What do you think?

Me: Umm... I think we should take her. What do you think?

Jay: I think we should.

In the meantime, my mom said, "Yes!!! We need another baby in the family!!"

So, it was settled!!! An hour later, I was sitting on my couch in my living room holding a sweet, beautiful, darling, dark haired, blued eyed baby girl.

And it wasn't long until I fell COMPLETELY IN LOVE!!!

Sweet Baby will likely leave us on Tuesday. Just one week together. But it doesn't matter that it will only be a week... My heart is already aching when I think of it. But I just keep trusting God.

In the meantime, this experience is AMAZING!!!! With God's help, we are showering this baby with love, giving her a stable home, covering her in prayer and learning a whole lot about God, love, life and parenthood.

This is truly the adventure of a lifetime!

If you want to be a mom and you have a good stable home, I encourage you to be a foster parent! It may also lead to adoption. As I've mentioned before, my sister has 2 beautiful girls that were adopted through the foster care system.

I hope to write more blogs with greater details about fostering.

God Bless You all! I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful!!!! Mine sure was!

Oh Baby!

Last night we welcomed a 3 month old into our home. It may be temporary or long term. We won't know anything for a while.

Wow... Fostering is the adventure of a lifetime!! :)

Well, I'm off to (hopefully) get some sleep tonight!! God Bless you all! Happy Thanksgiving!

May Never Get Blood Work Again!

I had a really rough day this week. It started on Wednesday morning. I opened up my email and got this from Big Guy's social worker:

Just a heads up...I am looking at possible return to mom before Christmas.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to be temporary. But we have absolutely fallen in love with our Big Guy, and he loves us too. He's been so happy and secure here in our home. Life has been a dream. I'm the mom I've longed to be. We have our little family. Jay is a wonderful father, even more wonderful than I thought he'd be. And Big Guy is a pure joy. But I have to remember that he was never ours. God allowed him to be in our home for a time, and it's up to God how long he stays.

And the truth is that it's not about me. It's all about Big Guy. I hurt for him, worrying how he'll be taken care of when he goes back. But right now we are giving him a stable home, and I pray that it has a lasting impact. We've covered him in prayer daily, and it is my prayer that it has planted a seed deep in his little heart that will grow and flourish.

What a special boy he is. You just wouldn't believe how incredibly sweet, well behaved, funny and smart he is. He's just exceptional!! :)

We'll probably continue fostering after he returns. There are so many kids out there who need a good home, and hopefully it will one day soon lead to adoption.

So back to my tough day...

After I got the email and sat there dumbfounded I later got a call from my RE's office. I thought we were just about ready to start trying again. RE did tell us at our last appointment that there were a couple of blood tests he was going to do. But it all sounded pretty insignificant. Unfortunately, one of them came back abnormal:

Low factor 2 activity

From what I've read online, being low means that my blood doesn't clot quickly enough. So it wouldn't be treatable with a blood thinner b/c that would only make it worse. So Friday I had to go for yet another blood test. This time I got a Factor 2 DNA test. He's looking to see if this abnormality is caused by a genetic mutation. If not, then it's a mystery as to why it's low. According to what I read online, it can be caused by things like: liver disease, vitamin K insufficiency and other things too terrible to mention.

I worried myself sick. Literally. I broke out in a sweat, made several trips to the bathroom and hardly ate for a couple of days.

Thankfully, on Friday I spoke with the nurse again who said that my RE said that I shouldn't worry. I was SOOO happy to hear that it was barely out of the normal range. It was 73. Normal starts at 75.

I also found an article online written by a M.D. that was more reassuring that it's probably not something serious.

Still, I should NEVER research things online!!! I can't tell you how many times I've worried myself silly after reading scary medical stuff online. Why can't I learn my lesson?!

I'm feeling better about it now. But I still don't know what the next step is. I'll have to get the DNA results and then go from there. My RE is not even very familiar with this test, so the nurse said that "he will have to figure out what's going on." Ugh. Not very reassuring. ha!

Do y'all get to the place where you're so incredibly tired of doctors, blood work, tests, living from one test to another that you are ready to leave it all behind and just try to conceive without any medical intervention?

Hospitals and labs now pretty much give me the creeps, the yuckies in my stomach and a sinking feeling. I don't even like to drive past them. Even hospitals that I've never even been to, I don't even like to see them.

Lately, I've found myself daydreaming of a beach-y place far away, an escape from it all.

Yet, I keep going ahead, knowing that somehow God is still in control of it all. And I take great hope and strength in that.

Our Big Guy is also such a joy to me. I don't think I could love another child any more than I love him. Being responsible for him has stirred up something inside me.... Maternal Instinct? I don't know what it is. But I know that I love him dearly and would protect him with my life. It really is wonderful to be a mom.

Miscarriage Number Two

A few posts ago I wrote about my first miscarriage. Now, I'm continuing the story....

After that first miscarriage, my doctor was so reassuring and felt that it was unlikely to happen again. And all at once, after my own loss, I began to hear of so many women who'd experienced a miscarriage similar to mine. And most of them had gone on to have children. I learned the ugly fact that miscarriage is very common.

But I still didn't know anything about recurrent miscarriages. I had no idea that I would go on to experience four. At that time I didn't know anybody who'd had more than two losses.

After that first miscarriage in April Jay & I started trying again.

About 5 months later on September 11, 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test in the morning and another one that night.

This time I figured that I couldn't possible miscarry again. This time, Jay & I were going to be parents! A week passed. For one week I was pregnant with our baby and getting excited. Then on September 18th (one week later) I started bleeding a little bit that night. But I wasn't cramping, so I still had hope. But I was very afraid. I cried out to God in my journal and promised Him that I would praise Him in all things.

My next entry was on September 26th, 2008. It started, "I had another miscarriage. The Lord is my strength..."

I don't remember much about what happened between when I started bleeding on the 18th and the next entry on the 26th. I'm sure it involved blood work and a doctor visit. I'm sure it involved tears and pain. But, to tell you the truth, after 4 miscarriages and countless doctor visits it's hard to keep all the memories in order.

I do believe that I began to think that something might truly be wrong with me after this second loss. After all, my sister was never able to have children, so deep down there was always a little fear that I would follow in her footsteps. She, however, was never able to get pregnant. I didn't have a problem with that. My problem was carrying my babies to term.

I recently told my boss about my 4 miscarriages and how I'd love to be able to adopt someday. She told me that old cliche': "Well, I know of several couples who have adopted and then got pregnant. Sometimes I think that just takes some of the stress and pressure off and they're able to conceive." I'm not upset with her for saying that because I'm sure it's hard to know what to say. I mean, if I hadn't had recurrent losses myself, would I know what to say??

Still, it's difficult to hear that. She's not the first. And I think to myself, "Yes, but I'm not like those people. I don't have a problem getting pregnant." It's not that easy.

I didn't really mean for this post to turn into a list of statements I've heard from people that hurt. But hey, why not throw in a few more while I'm at it?? :)

Probably the most painful and frustrating one was when a dear woman whom I love told me after my 4th miscarriage that maybe I should just "wait a while." I was going to see a specialist about a month after my fourth loss and about a month before my 31st birthday and she thought that I didn't need to rush into anything.

Really?? I felt so frustrated and told Jay, "When she was my age she already had THREE children! She was already finished having children. And I'm supposed to WAIT a while?? I'm almost 31 years old and don't have even one child yet!"

Now remember, I love this woman dearly. She is somewhat of a mentor to me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. And I try to give them grace and remember that their hearts are in the right place. She didn't mean to hurt me. She loves me and only meant well.

Besides that, I know that I can be too sensitive. So I try to just overlook comments the best that I can.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's an odd one:

When I was getting ready to have my D&C and laparoscopy after my 4th miscarriage, my doctor and nurse actually discussed his children at my bedside. The nurse was asking him questions like, "Oh, is she driving already?.... Oh my goodness, I can't believe she's 16 already!" She was smiling and laughing, and I was thinking, "Hello! I'm lying here in this bed getting ready to have surgery because my baby died, and you're actually discussing children??" Oh well... That's just another one of those things to overlook because he's a great doctor, and my nurse was kind to me. I'm sure she never thought twice about it. The Lord's given me a countless measure of grace. I try to give grace to others.

I know that some of you reading have had lots of experiences like this as well. Sometimes it's kind of funny now to think back on some of the ridiculous statements. And then there are those people who have been so wonderful, caring and encouraging. Why doesn't anybody write posts on all the right things that people have said? haha Maybe I'll do that sometime!

Well, in the meantime, I'm loving my 2 year old Big Guy. I'm tired, but he's totally worth it! I hope that some of you might consider fostering and adoption. So many children need a loving home.

I hope you're all doing well. I'd love to hear from you! By the way, I REALLY want to change my blog. Can y'all recommend a good place to get a new blog design? creek jc @ nctc. com

Progesterone

Today I got the results of my Day 21 Progesterone Level.

It was 11.3

Now, I'm not sure what my RE is going to say about this. I got it done at my ob/gyn's office, and they faxed the result to him. So....

I will soon know if I'll be taking Clomid again.

Interesting fact:

My RE told me that using a progesterone supplement when you get a positive pregnancy test is sometimes not soon enough. So, if you know that your progesterone level runs low and you're planning to use a progesterone supplement when you become pregnant, ask your doctor about going ahead and using it while you're trying to conceive.

This is what my RE told me:

You can use progesterone every cycle that you're trying to conceive. When you have a positive ovulation test, begin the progesterone. If you're not pregnant that month, then stop the progesterone when you start your period. Then use it again the following month the same way until you become pregnant.

That way, you will have enough progesterone in your system even in the very earliest days of your pregnancy when implantation is occurring.

I hadn't heard that before. So I wanted to pass along the info to my blog friends as well. Especially if you've had chemical pregnancies, this could be helpful.

I'm still loving spending my days with our darling 2 year old. :) Being a foster parent is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced!!

Trying for Baby....Again

Yesterday hubby & I drove all the way to Memphis, Tennessee to see my recurrent pregnancy loss specialist. I was nervous!!! And I really didn't want to go at all. I'm sure some of you can relate. I'm not to the point yet where I really even want to THINK about getting pregnant again. That feeling is thanks to four consecutive miscarriages.

Miscarriage has brought a lot of fear to me when I think of having a baby. It's come to the place where it's hard to ever even actually imagine having a baby. Sometimes it seems like it's even silly to hope that it will end any differently and that I could actually bring a healthy baby home instead of being heartbroken. BUT I know that's NOT the truth!!! And I'm choosing to step out in faith and believe that it could be different. I'm going to put myself out there again and try once more. Yes, it's scary. But I know that God's in control, and I'm choosing to trust Him and lead where He follows....

So I want to give y'all an update on my appointment.

First of all, Dr. K spent a lot of time with me. He answered all of my questions, and I didn't feel rushed AT ALL. I LOVE that!!

As you may remember, Dr. K removed my septum in August. This was my follow up appointment, with details on the Next Step.

I've had 2 cycles, so we are ready to begin trying again.

First, I'm going to have a progesterone level drawn on Friday. If that level is good, then I won't take Clomid. If it's low, he'll give me Clomid. The reason for Clomid is that it increases your body's progesterone production, helping to lower the risk of miscarriage. Then I would begin progesterone when I got a positive pregnancy test.

OR, if I choose not to take the Clomid then I can start using vaginal progesterone when I have a positive ovulation test. If I don't get pregnant that cycle I'll stop the progesterone on the first day of my cycle.

Dr. K says that he gives progesterone to virtually every woman who comes through his practice. Why not? It's natural, it's not too expensive, and it's not harmful. So why not go ahead and give it just in case?

Also, he said that vaginal progesterone is much better absorbed by the body than oral progesterone. You have to take 6 times the amount of oral progesterone to be as effective as the vaginal progesterone.

The only drawback to the vaginal progesterone? I don't like it one bit because after it melts it oozes out and mimics the feel of bleeding. It caused me plenty of heart palpitations with my last pregnancy!!!!! Not looking forward to that again. But if it might help, then I want to try it!

So, the next step is the progesterone level check on Friday. After that, we'll know if I need Clomid or not and know when to begin the progesterone. And we'll be free to try to conceive.

YIKES!!!!

Dr. K also estimates my chances at having a baby at 75%. He believes that I am now in the same percentage range as other women my age.

This man is a GREAT doctor. There are many articles on the walls where he has been interviewed and written about. There are also various magazine covers on the walls and many mentions of him being one of the nation's top doctors. And in my experience, he has been very thorough, knowledgeable and caring.

He told me that at this point I can feel comfortable in knowing that I have seen some very good doctors and had everything that can be done for me. We have done all we do. And I do have peace in that. If I hadn't pursued it further and gone to him and given it one last effort, I think I would have always felt that I should have given it one more chance.

He was also very encouraging and believes that I should be optimistic.

SO, it looks like pretty soon Jay and I will be on the road to trying to conceive again. And I'm hoping and praying that this time it will truly be different!!! I KNOW it can be! I've seen other women like me who are now holding their babies. I can't let this fear overtake me. I'm going to be brave, holding on to Jesus, walking this path that He has laid out for me.

I hope you'll follow me on this exciting journey!!!

I've got some more blog posts I really want to write. I've still been thinking of finishing up telling my miscarriage stories. I'd also love to tell more about our wonderful experience in foster care so far. I hope I can encourage more women to consider fostering and/or adoption.

God Bless You All!! I hope you have a great week!

Mulling

I've been mulling over the coming post about my second miscarriage. So far I just haven't made the time to write it yet. A 2 year old makes life so different... yet SO meaningful. I'm busier, I'm more tired. But I feel like my life has more purpose. I feel like I'm making a difference. And I have so much love in my heart for this little one.

I can't get started on him right now, or I'll never get this post written.... :)

Basically, I just wanted to drop in for a minute and say that a second post is coming with the details on my second miscarriage. I'm hoping to write it this weekend.

In the meantime, God bless you all! And have a wonderful weekend!

Roar!!! I a Dinosaur!! Roar!!!

Our little dinosaur had a wonderful time trick or treating! He was a little doll (actually a little dinosaur!) and loved every second of it!!

Jay & I also had a wonderful time. For the first Halloween since we've been married, we finally had a child to take trick or treating. And we loved it!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! Ours seemed so short because we were so busy. But it was still great.

Now, I'm off to clean up the explosion that happened in our kitchen!!! Or at least it seems that way. I did a lot of baking this weekend for a bake sale at our church. Plus, we pretty much didn't pick up after ourselves at all this weekend b/c we were on the go so much. So... Let the laundry and dishes begin!!!!! :)