Exhuasted but Joyful

It's hard on me going from doctor to doctor having test after test run. Yesterday on the way to the fertility center my head ached from having my brow constantly furrowed, my stomach was churning and burning, I had absolutely no appetite, and my leg muscles ached from being so tense. I go through this almost every time I go to the doctor. I didn't realize how tense I was until afterwards on the way home I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. A panic attack AFTER I was leaving the center!!! It was like it hit me all of the sudden. I guess it's a little similar to when someone's adrenaline is pumping during an accident. They're in flight mode, senses heightened, heart racing, muscles ready. Then when it's all over it hits them what they've just been through. I guess that's the way it was with me yesterday on a smaller scale. So, I didn't actually have a panic attack. I just suddenly felt like I could hardly breathe and like I was suffocating in the enclosed car. I had to roll down the window and focus on breathing slowly in and out. Fertility problems are NO FUN!!!!!!

I've still felt wiped out today and exhausted. I went to the grocery after work today. When I got home I unloaded everything and lay down on the couch to rest. When Jay got home he came in the house and asked me what was going on. He said, "Did you know the trunk to the car was open? And the front door wasn't shut?" WHAT??? I don't remember that AT ALL!! I have no recollection of not shutting the trunk or not shutting the door to the house. It wasn't wide open but just not completely shut and latched. I always shut the door and lock it b/c I'm kind of a wienie and don't like to be home with an unlocked door. But today, for some reason I didn't. I think my brain was seriously not working properly b/c of all the stress of yesterday's appointment.

Nevertheless, I'm still very hopeful and very excited about what the future holds. Not only are we further investigating the cause of our 3 losses and getting some encouraging reports but we're also STARTING FOSTER CLASSES!!!! I'm SO excited! We have experience with foster care b/c 2 of my nieces were adopted through the foster care system. I also have an adopted nephew. I'm absolutely crazy about all 3 of them! They're a big part of my life. Jay and I have had a heart for adoption for a long time. Even before the miscarriages we knew we wanted to adopt at some point. We didn't know it would be this soon. But God has led us here, and we're trusting Him completely! Our plan is to take the classes and just see where He leads from there! In the meantime we'll continue pursuing our dream of being biological parents as well.

On a side note, here's another reason I really like my fertility doctor: He cares about my pain & wants me to have as little as possible. He knows that I was REALLY nervous about having the HSG done. I know that lots of women have it done. Lots of women do fine. But I've heard of horror stories where the pain was almost unbearable. I'm not a fan of pain. I hate to even get a shot. (I know that's especially ridiculous b/c I'm a nurse and have given 100's of shots. But just for the record, I try to be very gentle!) So anyway, I asked him what medicine I can take before the HSG. "Two Aleve," he said. "Two Aleve?" I asked with a disappointed look on my face. I may as well have said, "That's all?? That's all you're going to give me??" because my expression and tone said it all. He laughed and asked, "Would you like a narcotic?" I didn't skip a beat, "Yeah I would!" He said he really doesn't think I'll need it b/c he has really good technique and most women do really well with him. But he gave me a prescription anyway. Thanks, Doc!! I know my nerves will appreciate it even if there's no pain!

And here's one of the reasons I love Jay so much: Yesterday at my appointment there I was sitting on the exam table in one of those icky hospital gowns with a drape across my lap waiting for the doctor to come in and do my exam and ultrasound. Jay could tell I was a nervous wreck (b/c the doctor mentioned that he might do a test where he injected saline into my uterus). Jay came over and put his arms around me and began to pray. God answered and gave me sweet peace! I love my husband!! And by the way, the doctor didn't end up doing that test anyway. I was relieved!

Last of all, I've got a verse on my mind that I'd like to leave you with: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27