Monday, July 18, 2011

Missing Him

We said goodbye to our Little Guy Friday morning. It was painful. But I'm still in awe that God gave us the strength to do it. This was one of those things that a couple of months ago I thought I would never be able to do. It's amazing how God enables us to go through the things He's brought us to.

I miss Baby so much, though. I've thought about him so many times over the weekend and wondered how he is and what he's doing. Last night I just lay in bed and remembered his little curly hair, soft skin and smile... *sigh* I couldn't help but shed a few tears last night before I fell asleep, thinking of him.

I continue to trust the Lord, though. I know there was a reason for his leaving. And I take GREAT comfort in knowing that he is with a good family. I couldn't bear to know that he was with a family that wouldn't love him. But I truly believe that with this family he will be loved, taken to church, cared for and will receive all the best opportunities in life.

At one time I thought he would be mine. And even though he's not, I will never stop loving him or praying for him...

Today begins a few chapter. It's the first week that I'll be home again with just me and no children in almost a year (since we started foster care last September). Today I will begin to prepare for the baby that I longed for for so long. I am now 22 weeks pregnant. Can you believe it?! Thank You, Lord!! It's been a long, hard journey. And we still have a ways to go. But I'm so thankful to be this far. And now I'm going to start thinking about nursery colors and bedding and little pink clothes.

Before I got pregnant with this little girl I was to the place that I was just about ready to give up. I had been to an RE that didn't help me, spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars (maybe thousands), been through surgeries and was just about ready to be done with it all! I felt so burned out.

But then I just knew deep down in my heart that I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I felt like before I could have peace about stopping the pursuit that I needed to explore one more option. I had to drive 4 hours to get there, Jay had to take a day off work, and it included another surgery which meant another day off for Jay and a night spent in a hotel. But I knew in my heart that it was what I needed to do. And I'm SO incredibly thankful that we are now 22 weeks along with our little girl! Sometimes it still seems so surreal. And I definitely am aware that I am only a little over halfway there. I still struggle with thoughts and fears related to miscarriage (after going through it 4 times!!). But I just keep trusting, hoping, and moving forward.

Thank you for all your continued prayers and support. It really means so much to me. I hope that my story can bring some hope to you.

5 comments:

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you, Little Guy, and your little girl.

Ellen said...

Birdie, I can only imagine how your heart is breaking knowing that Little Guy is no longer with you but I am so thankful that God prepared your heart for this moment. Just think how lost you would be if you did not know JESUS !HE had a plan for Little Guy. You and Jay were a
VERY LARGE part of that plan. God wanted the BEST in the world to love and nurture that sweet newborn and HE knew that you two were the perfect ones for that "job"!!! God Bless you two, Little Guy and your sweet baby girl!
Blessings,
Grandmommy E.

Elizabeth said...

My prayers are with you & your husband as you prepare for your baby girl!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are missing him :(.

E

Jordan said...

I am so sorry Little Guy had to go. Continued prayers for you Birdie.

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