Saturday, June 5, 2010

One Week

It's been one week since my surgery. I'm only a little sore now and even laid on my stomach for a few minutes last night in bed. I still have pain in my neck from all the gas they put in my belly, so that position didn't last long. But I'm doing so much better. I got out of the house today with Jay. We ate at Olive Garden and did some shopping.

I was cleaning a couple of days ago and found the ultrasound picture of our sweet little baby. I could hardly look at it, and I couldn't stop the tears from coming. Jay stayed strong and said that it just wasn't meant to be.

I don't know if I will ever want to try again. When I go back to the doctor for my surgery follow-up next week I'm going to ask him his opinion. I know that it's up to God, but I do value my good doctor's advice and opinions. Right now I feel so drained emotionally and physically that I know I need some time. Jay & I are thinking seriously of adoption. We always knew we wanted to adopt. But just thought it would be later after having biological children. Now it looks like that may not happen....or at least not soon. Adoption is a wonderful thing. I love adoption, and I absolutely adore my 2 adopted nieces and adopted nephew. And I definitely believe that somewhere out there (maybe not born yet) is a baby that God, in his infinite love and wisdom, is going to place in my arms to be mine, for me to be Mama to.

And maybe someday God will change my heart and give me hope for a biological child again as well. I know that I'm hurting right now and that I need time to heal. And I know that He can do miracles. So I'm not making any definite decisions right now other than that I am going to trust Him with all my heart and follow His leading.

I serve a good God. Even in the midst of my pain I feel Him with me.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5


Stacey said...

Healing does take time, but I think it's good that you are thinking about and working through all these emotions. You don't have to make any big decisions now, of course. I just pray that God will continue to lead you as you keep trusting Him. Sending lots of hugs and prayers for you still.

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