Monday, January 16, 2012

Unexpected Grief

After our Miracle Baby was born in November I experienced something that I never expected. Of course I was so happy to have our little girl. I was overjoyed and thanking God daily (which I still do). But even in the midst of the joy, I experienced grief. Grief over my 4 babies that I lost before she was born. I never in a million years expected that I would grieve their deaths even more pronounced than when I actually lost them. And I know the reason why: It's because, until my baby girl was born, I hadn't fully realized just what I had lost. I realized, in a new way, that each one of those babies was mine and just as real and precious as the baby I was holding. It grieved me so much. I shed fresh tears all over again and missed them so much.

I also grieved the loss of our foster baby, my son in my heart. I wrote about that in my last post. So I won't revisit that again because it's just too hard. My heart still aches for him.

But you know what? Even despite the grief, I can say that I am filled with joy. I am SO thankful for our baby girl. I have never once taken her for granted. Isn't it funny how you can experience such joy along with the sadness? I believe that's because my joy is in the Lord. Even when I go through difficulties, He is always with me. The Lord is healing my heart. I'm so thankful for that verse in Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I often think of heaven when I think of all my babies. Won't it be a wonderful reunion? I know I'll see them someday. I know it!!

I don't want this post to make anyone sad. I just wanted to share my feelings. I know that some of you other moms have probably experienced this as well. I also want to encourage others of you in your journey to having a baby. Don't lose hope! Miracles still happen! I have a miracle right now sitting in her little swing beside me.

I thought I'd also start posting about my post-pregnancy weight loss. Maybe it will help keep me motivated! :)

So, I stopped looking at my weight at the Dr. office b/c I didn't want to worry about those numbers. I just wanted to focus on the joy of pregnancy. And I knew that my Dr. would let me know if I was gaining too much. So... I've started back to exercising 3 times a week and watching what I eat. I've lost 2 pounds in 9 days. I'm happy with that! I still have 21.5 pounds to go! I feel like I've gotten a good start. I'll keep you updated!

I also want to post the words to a song that has helped me in the past. As I was writing about all my babies this song came to my mind. I remember there was a time when I used to sing this daily. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. But I know I don't have to. I trust Him with it all. I hope this song helps you too!

  1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just to take Him at His Word;
    Just to rest upon His promise,
    And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
    • Refrain:
      Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
      How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
      Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
      Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
  2. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just to trust His cleansing blood;
    And in simple faith to plunge me
    ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
  3. Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just from sin and self to cease;
    Just from Jesus simply taking
    Life and rest, and joy and peace.
  4. I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
    Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
    And I know that Thou art with me,
    Wilt be with me to the end.


Amazing Life said...

I experienced the same thing when our little boy was born . . . he put a face to the children we missed out on knowing here on earth. It was a strange set of emotions to experience, but I am so glad I did . . .it was necessary!

Stacey said...

Oh, how this post touches my heart. I remember that feeling, too. Just like you and Amazing Life (also a sweet friend of mine), I experienced a renewed grief over the six precious ones that I never got to take home. I was overcome with joy to finally hold my daughter, but it made everything I'd lost even more real. My husband felt the same way. Joy and sorrow, all at once.

Love that you posted the lyrics to that particular hymn. I used to sing it daily (and still do occasionally) to my girl as a lullaby. 'Tis so sweet!

Sarah said...

I have been experiencing some grief through this pregnancy and I think it will be more pronounced once I am holding Seamus. I can't help but think of my heavenly babies when Seamus is moving around. I too know that someday we will be reunited and that will be so sweet. Love the hymn!

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