Unexpected Grief

After our Miracle Baby was born in November I experienced something that I never expected. Of course I was so happy to have our little girl. I was overjoyed and thanking God daily (which I still do). But even in the midst of the joy, I experienced grief. Grief over my 4 babies that I lost before she was born. I never in a million years expected that I would grieve their deaths even more pronounced than when I actually lost them. And I know the reason why: It's because, until my baby girl was born, I hadn't fully realized just what I had lost. I realized, in a new way, that each one of those babies was mine and just as real and precious as the baby I was holding. It grieved me so much. I shed fresh tears all over again and missed them so much.

I also grieved the loss of our foster baby, my son in my heart. I wrote about that in my last post. So I won't revisit that again because it's just too hard. My heart still aches for him.

But you know what? Even despite the grief, I can say that I am filled with joy. I am SO thankful for our baby girl. I have never once taken her for granted. Isn't it funny how you can experience such joy along with the sadness? I believe that's because my joy is in the Lord. Even when I go through difficulties, He is always with me. The Lord is healing my heart. I'm so thankful for that verse in Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I often think of heaven when I think of all my babies. Won't it be a wonderful reunion? I know I'll see them someday. I know it!!

I don't want this post to make anyone sad. I just wanted to share my feelings. I know that some of you other moms have probably experienced this as well. I also want to encourage others of you in your journey to having a baby. Don't lose hope! Miracles still happen! I have a miracle right now sitting in her little swing beside me.

I thought I'd also start posting about my post-pregnancy weight loss. Maybe it will help keep me motivated! :)

So, I stopped looking at my weight at the Dr. office b/c I didn't want to worry about those numbers. I just wanted to focus on the joy of pregnancy. And I knew that my Dr. would let me know if I was gaining too much. So... I've started back to exercising 3 times a week and watching what I eat. I've lost 2 pounds in 9 days. I'm happy with that! I still have 21.5 pounds to go! I feel like I've gotten a good start. I'll keep you updated!

I also want to post the words to a song that has helped me in the past. As I was writing about all my babies this song came to my mind. I remember there was a time when I used to sing this daily. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. But I know I don't have to. I trust Him with it all. I hope this song helps you too!

1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to take Him at His Word;
   Just to rest upon His promise,
   And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
   • Refrain:
     Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
     How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
     Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
     Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
2. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to trust His cleansing blood;
   And in simple faith to plunge me
   ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
3. Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just from sin and self to cease;
   Just from Jesus simply taking
   Life and rest, and joy and peace.
4. I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
   Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
   And I know that Thou art with me,
   Wilt be with me to the end.