The Desires of my Heart

Today I'm really longing to be a mom, staying home taking care of my babies and our home.

I'm not feeling down or depressed. It's just an aching & a longing for those babies of mine that I'll someday hold! It's a longing to not get up every morning & head to work but to have my days filled with babies & milk & soft little clothes & reading books out loud to little listening ears.

Someday I know I'm going to look back, and it will have been worth the wait.


Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 17:4

Jay's Physical

Jay is such a hoot! So today he went & had his physical. Have I ever mentioned that Jay can be a little absent minded at times? When it comes to his artwork or web design (www.studiobythecreeks.com) he never forgets anything. He's so detailed & organized. But when it comes to other things... well, it's another story! :)

So for foster care we have to get very very simple physicals. I had mine a couple of days ago. My nurse practitioner listened to my heart and lungs, checked my reflexes, looked in my ears & filled out my paperwork (simple checklist basically saying I'm healthy) to turn back in to foster care.

Well, when Jay was finishing getting his physical today he calls me and says, "They drew blood." Really? Why?? "I don't know." Then he proceeds to tell me, "Yeah, and I had to give a urine sample too. They also want me to bring back a stool sample."

What?? I didn't have to do any of that!

"She also pushed on my stomach and made me close my eyes and lift my hands and feet and had me push her hand with my head."

Okay, that's really weird...I didn't have to do any of that. Well, did she fill out your foster care form and give it back to you?

Silence

I can tell his eyes are huge on the other end of the line.

"Oh, shoot!!" he says, "I forgot!!"

You forgot??!!! Jay, that's the whole reason you went!!!

Long story short, the lady at the front desk forgot to attach his foster paperwork to his chart, so our nurse practitioner thought he was there for a regular physical rather than an easy foster care one.

Jay, didn't you wonder why she wasn't filling out the paper?

"I thought she was!" he says.

And I had to laugh! Especially when he confessed that while he was sitting there in the lab waiting to get his blood drawn the nurse came back carrying his coat (that he'd left in the exam room) and said, "You might need this!"

That's my Jay!! I love him! :)

On Monday we'll pick up the form from the office & get the rest of our paperwork together to turn in.

I also had my TSH, prolactin, & rubella blood work done today. That means that we're one tiny step farther on our journey to Baby.

Making Progress

Yesterday I went & had my physical done for fostering. Jay's is in the morning. We're one step closer to being done with our massive amount of paperwork!!

We're also making progress in another area... My fertility doc's office called today. Do you know how GOOD it made me feel that they said he had reviewed my records from my ob-gyn???!!! He ACTUALLY reviewed my records AND called me!!! After so many negative experiences with doctors lately, this is enough to make me want to kiss my RE's face!! haha

So in addition to reviewing my records, he also wants me to have some additional lab work done: prolactin, TSH, and rubella (to make sure I'm immune). He also recommended I get tested to see if I'm a carrier for cycstic fibrosis. I really don't understand the importance of that. And not only that, but my insurance doesn't cover it, so we're not going to do that right now.

Today I'm saying, "Thank you, Lord, for a good experience with my doctor!!" I'm feeling encouraged!

Hip Hip Hooray - Foster Classes Are...

...OVER!!!!

These past 5 Saturdays have absolutely flown by! After class today we packed up our papers & walked to the car. I said to Jay, "It seems like only a week ago we just decided that we were interested in fostering. Now we're already finished with all the classes!"

We still have a mound of paperwork to turn in. And once that's turned in we'll still have a couple of months to wait until we're approved.

We've learned SO much through these classes. Here are a few things:

1) It's important to work with the birth parents if possible. They're usually not bad people. Often they just made mistakes & need some help to get their lives straightened out.

2) This is not about us. This is about the children. This is about loving them the best that we can while we have them. After that, we have to realize that it is out of our hands. They may go back to the birth parents. Or we may end up adopting. But our job is to love them to the best of our ability while we have them.

3) Even though these kids may have been abused or neglected they will usually want to go back to their homes (at least in the beginning). This one was so hard for me to understand until they did a guided imagery exercise with us. In this exercise they led us through the process of strangers coming to our home and taking us away to a new home where we were loved and wanted. The exercise was so powerful & even left a knot in my stomach as I experienced it. It opened up my eyes to see how children could want to be at the only home they ever knew even if it wasn't a good situation. It's helped me to be more compassionate & understanding toward what the kids may be experiencing in those first few uncertain weeks or months of foster care.

We don't know what God has in store through this. We may only foster. But our hope is to be able to foster and adopt a baby or toddler. Yet, our hearts are open, and we know that God's plans are sometimes not our own. It will be exciting to see God's plan unfold!

Let's Talk About POOR Customer Service!!

So I'm VERY dissatisfied with my maternal fetal specialist and don't think I will ever go back. Well, it's not the actual specialist. I like the doctor. It's some of the staff and the policies of the office.

So I went to this specialist in January after suffering 3 miscarriages & hearing rave reviews from 2 friends who had been to this office. So my ob-gyn gladly referred me. My visit went well. I really liked the doctor. He drew some labs that day and said, "We will call you when we get the results & schedule a follow up appointment to go over everything." So the weeks ticked by and I never heard a thing. Finally, I decided to call. Oh, what's this you tell me, lady at the front desk? I have to have ANOTHER referral from my ob-gyn to set up a follow-up appointment? Really?? Well, okay, thank you.

So then when I called my ob-gyn's office they were completely flabbergasted. What? You're already an established patient of theirs! I've never heard of such a thing! But okay, I'll call them and see what's going on.

Long story short...Yes, their policy is that I have to have a referral even for a follow-up.

Okay. Got it covered. Got the referral. Got my follow-up appointment made so doc can go over the lab results with me. But wait! I've got to change the date b/c I want to coordinate it with another appointment (HSG) nearby so I don't have to drive 1.5 hours twice & miss 2 days of work. So I call to re-schedule...

Okay, no problem...So you don't know the exact date yet of your HSG? That's okay! I'll just make a note here that when you have the appointment for the HSG that you'll call & let us know. Oh no, you WON'T have to have another referral! I'll make this note, and you just call & let us know.

Okay, I'm thinking that this is great. It's all going to work out...

WRONG!!

So today I called to set up the appointment. The lady tells me, "It's been over a week since your original appointment date, so you'll have to get a referral from your regular doctor." My heart sinks, my heart starts to race, and my voice gets shaky. "But," I tell her, "The person I talked to last time said that I wouldn't have to do that. She said that she made a note. And it's kind of a lot of trouble for them to make the referral and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have to do that again."
She says, "Well, it's really not a lot of trouble for them. Doctors offices are familiar with our policy, and they do this all the time." Her tone wasn't very kind, and she spoke as though the matter were completely settled.

I'm not much of an arguer. So I just gave in. "Okay," I mustered in a defeated tone.

Maybe this isn't a big deal. But it is to me. On this day it was a HUGE deal b/c I'm SOOOOOO tired of poor customer service from doctors offices. I'm so tired of not being treated kindly and with compassion. After 3 miscarriages, I kind of feel at the mercy of these people. I need their help. And I feel like I'm just another chart to them. I've called before when they were snippy & unkind. When you've had 3 miscarriages you tend to be a little more sensitive and a little more needy of kindness & compassion & understanding.

No, it may not be a big deal to have to call my ob-gyn and request yet ANOTHER referral. But it is to me. I know they're busy. And I know I would feel like an idiot having to explain the whole story about why I have to have another one in the first place. I've just had it!!!

So I've decided today that I'm not going back there. Instead, I think I'm going to see my RE at the fertility center. He's the one performing my HSG whom I really like. The only problem is that 1) It's out-of-network on my insurance and 2) It's expensive!!

We really don't have that kind of money. But when is it okay to get to the point where you say, "I don't care anymore! If I have to pay hundreds of extra dollars to get good service then that's what I'm going to do!!" That's where I am now. I just don't care about the money right now. I'd rather do without other extras like eating out and shopping in order to have good care right now b/c I feel like I can't handle any more bad doctor office experiences.

Why can't the people who work at these offices be educated on what people with fertility issues are going through? Can't they be trained to show an extra measure of kindness b/c we've already been through so much?

Okay, now I'm going on and on. I just got so torn up over this today & am even crying as I write this. Yet, I want to say something positive after all this venting....

I know that God is in control. My hope is not in my doctors. My hope is not in the staff. If they're unkind or have policies that I disagree with, God is still watching out for me & leading me. I love Him so much. I praise Him even in today's little storm & the big storm of miscarriage. It reminds me of a song that my husband & I sing together..

I know the Master of the wind
I know the Maker of the rain
He can calm the storm
make the sun shine again
I know the Master of the wind

God Bless you all! I hope this didn't bring anyone down b/c I want it to be a place of hope. I still have a lot of hope!!! I just needed to vent a little bit & knew that you would understand. :)

Thanks for listening!

Studio by the Creeks

So a few days ago I was lamenting about wanting to work from home. Afterward it dawned on me that we already have a side business. I seem to think that I'm not artistic enough to be very helpful to my husband in our business venture, but I do give good critiques and help with the financial part. :) I'd like to learn more & be a bigger part of our little business so that it'll someday grow in to a larger business.

Anyway, I'm super proud of my husband. He's very talented, which is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. :) He paints, draws, designs, sings, & plays piano. He's, of course, my favorite singer. The first song I ever heard him sing was It is Well. I practically swooned in my chair & couldn't believe my ears. If you'd like to hear some of his music you can check out our website and go to the downloads page. It is Well is one of the songs you can hear. All the songs were recorded either at our house or at a friend's.

Mainly he just sings at church. He helps lead worship, and we sing together sometimes too. I just sing harmony. He's the one with the beautiful voice. We honestly only want to sing to glorify God. When we recorded our CD together our prayer was that we would be a help to someone.

Another reason I love him is b/c he's humble. Even though he's so talented he never flaunts it. (He'll probably be really embarrassed if he reads this!) If you didn't go to church with us you'd probably never even know that he sings. (Of course I like to brag on him, though!) He's a quiet man - even voted shyest of his senior class when he graduated high school. :) His mom loves to tell the story of how no one even knew he could sing until he was in high school. One day he came to her & said, "Mama, I think maybe I can sing." She turned the radio down & said, "Well, let's hear it." Knowing Jay, I still can hardly believe he mustered up the courage to sing. But he did! And when he got done his mom said, "Jay, you can sing!!" She cries to this day when she's telling that story. :)

But singing is not his first love. He LOVES painting, drawing, and creating designs. You can check some of those out too.

So if you get a chance, here's our website: www.studiobythecreeks.com

And of course, I must say that I think Jay will make a wonderful daddy. He's so patient, calm, loving & funny. I can hardly wait to see him with our babies. I haven't seen him hold too many babies. It's actually kind of a comical sight b/c he feels awkward & doesn't know quite what to do with them, but I just know that he'll warm up to our babies & be an incredible dad! I can just see him now making them giggle & cuddling them close.

Tonight I'm so thankful for my husband and so thankful that God knows the desires of my heart. I keep trusting that someday we'll have those babies for Jay & me to hold close.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

WANTED: To Work From Home

It seems like every time I go online to look up ideas about how to work from home, I end up finding tons of gimmicks and websites that look cheap with tons of flashing ads on them. How do I know what's real??

I really reaaaally REALLY want to be a stay at home mom someday. I'm not a mom yet, but I'm hoping that will come soon. In the meantime, I want to be prepared to stay home and leave my current job behind. Does anyone have any ideas?? HELP!!

Thank you! :)

3 Foster Classes Down, 2 to Go

Saturday Jay & I attended foster class all day long. It's hard to believe that we only have 2 classes left. Then it'll still be a couple of months before we're approved. So I'm thinking that by late spring/early summer we could be foster parents! Our hopes are that we will eventually be able to adopt, but we know that we may also foster temporarily. We've got our hearts open right now and our ears perked to hear what God wants us to do. I'm not worrying about it b/c I know that God will lead us when the time is right & guide us to make the right decisions when we get that call from the social worker saying they have a child who needs a home.

In the meantime, I'm going for my HSG in a couple of weeks. I don't have an appointment yet. It has to be at a certain time during my cycle, so I expect to call and set up the appointment in the next few days. For weeks I dreaded the HSG & wanted to avoid it at all costs b/c of the horror stories I've heard. Thankfully, my RE is very confident that he has good technique that will cause minimal pain. But he prescribed me a narcotic anyway just in case! Thank you, RE!!!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, he also recommended I take a low dose Clomid to help me get pregnant faster. It may also help sustain the pregnancy once I get pregnant. I wonder how well Clomid really works. Just from the blogs I've read it seems like lots of people try it and it doesn't work. Maybe I will be different!

So next step: HSG in a couple of weeks. Then, HOPEFULLY we can FINALLY start trying to conceive again.

Ultimately, it's in God's hands!! If I think about it too much, fears begin to creep in. But God said that He didn't give me a spirit of fear! And I'm so thankful that He carries my burdens!