Feelin' Free

That's how I'm feeling right now. Free. At least for a little while, I don't have to think about TTC. I don't have worries of miscarriage. I'm not having testing done. I'm not scheduling a surgery. I don't have multiple Dr. appointments.

I want to take full advantage of this time. I've already been thinking of spring and my garden and the flowers I want to plant. I've been thinking of Baby and me sitting out on that deck that I want to have built in a few months. I've been thinking about all the new recipes I want to try and all the canning I want to do with my mom and sister this summer.

For four years I was on a difficult journey to having my baby. Now she's finally here, and I'm so very thankful for her. I'm also thankful that I feel like I can finally rest & relax for a while.

To tell you the truth, I've already been thinking about having more children in the future. But for now I'm just going to sit back and enjoy where I am.

I hope that wherever you are in your journey today that you can take some time to enjoy your life. Even in the past 4 years, despite all the difficulties, I do have some good memories of canning with my mom and sister, visiting my best friends out of town or having them visit me at my home, going on little trips with Jay, working in my little garden. Those things helped keep me sane. Every one of those lovely memories was something that helped me keep my joy and continue to enjoy living.

My heart still goes out to all of you who are in the midst of the battle of infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss. I have rejoiced with you and cried with you and prayed for you. Know that you are not forgotten!!

May God help you on your journey. May you draw close to Him. And may you not lose joy and hope!

Unexpected Grief

After our Miracle Baby was born in November I experienced something that I never expected. Of course I was so happy to have our little girl. I was overjoyed and thanking God daily (which I still do). But even in the midst of the joy, I experienced grief. Grief over my 4 babies that I lost before she was born. I never in a million years expected that I would grieve their deaths even more pronounced than when I actually lost them. And I know the reason why: It's because, until my baby girl was born, I hadn't fully realized just what I had lost. I realized, in a new way, that each one of those babies was mine and just as real and precious as the baby I was holding. It grieved me so much. I shed fresh tears all over again and missed them so much.

I also grieved the loss of our foster baby, my son in my heart. I wrote about that in my last post. So I won't revisit that again because it's just too hard. My heart still aches for him.

But you know what? Even despite the grief, I can say that I am filled with joy. I am SO thankful for our baby girl. I have never once taken her for granted. Isn't it funny how you can experience such joy along with the sadness? I believe that's because my joy is in the Lord. Even when I go through difficulties, He is always with me. The Lord is healing my heart. I'm so thankful for that verse in Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I often think of heaven when I think of all my babies. Won't it be a wonderful reunion? I know I'll see them someday. I know it!!

I don't want this post to make anyone sad. I just wanted to share my feelings. I know that some of you other moms have probably experienced this as well. I also want to encourage others of you in your journey to having a baby. Don't lose hope! Miracles still happen! I have a miracle right now sitting in her little swing beside me.

I thought I'd also start posting about my post-pregnancy weight loss. Maybe it will help keep me motivated! :)

So, I stopped looking at my weight at the Dr. office b/c I didn't want to worry about those numbers. I just wanted to focus on the joy of pregnancy. And I knew that my Dr. would let me know if I was gaining too much. So... I've started back to exercising 3 times a week and watching what I eat. I've lost 2 pounds in 9 days. I'm happy with that! I still have 21.5 pounds to go! I feel like I've gotten a good start. I'll keep you updated!

I also want to post the words to a song that has helped me in the past. As I was writing about all my babies this song came to my mind. I remember there was a time when I used to sing this daily. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. But I know I don't have to. I trust Him with it all. I hope this song helps you too!

1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to take Him at His Word;
   Just to rest upon His promise,
   And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
   • Refrain:
     Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
     How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
     Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
     Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
2. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to trust His cleansing blood;
   And in simple faith to plunge me
   ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
3. Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just from sin and self to cease;
   Just from Jesus simply taking
   Life and rest, and joy and peace.
4. I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
   Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
   And I know that Thou art with me,
   Wilt be with me to the end.

It Was the Best of Times...It Was the Worst of Times...

2011.

At the beginning of 2011 Jay & I were foster parents to 2 very special little boys. One of them we knew would return home. He was with us for 6 months. It was still hard to let him go, but we knew he needed to be back with his family.

The next day after he left I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time after 4 miscarriages. Oh, how I prayed that this time would be different. This time the septum had been removed, and we had renewed hope. But each day I was on pins and needles that something might go wrong.

In the meantime, our other child that we cared for through the foster system was a newborn baby who stayed with us for 7 months. He came to us straight from the hospital. I was the only mommy he knew. In my heart, he was mine.

We were told we'd most likely be able to adopt him. We were even told at one point that we would probably have him adopted within 6 months. I loved him so much then and I love him still. I love him as if he were my own.

But sadly, he had to leave us in the summer and went to live with a cousin. And I still miss him every.single.day. To be 100% honest with you, it still sometimes feels like someone else has my baby and that he should be with us. My heart still aches, and I miss him so very, very much. Being a foster parent and letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life. My heart still aches.

HOWEVER, I do have to give the Lord thanks & praise that he went to a very good home. They love him and take wonderful care of him. And I have to trust the Lord and believe that He heard our prayers and answered. He didn't answer exactly how we'd hoped, but he has protected our sweet boy and placed him in a wonderful home. I trust the Lord. Only He knows what the future holds and knows what is best. Even though I don't understand and even though it hurts, I believe that He is where he is supposed to be. And for that I am so thankful.

After he left, I was able to start focusing more on my pregnancy. And lo and behold, I kept getting farther and farther along without any complications!!! Even though sometimes it felt like a dream, it was real!! I was pregnant and actually doing well and going to bring home my sweet healthy baby from the hospital after 9 months.

Each month was a milestone. Each Dr. appointment was a sweet relief! Each good report was an answered prayer!

My little Baby Bird was born November 21st, 2011. She is our miracle baby. She is our dream come true. She is our answered prayer. I am SO thankful for her every single

day. Sometimes I can still hardly believe it! After 4 miscarriages and 4 years since we started trying to have a baby, she is finally here. I am so in love with her and so grateful that she is mine.

In some ways 2011 was the most difficult year of my whole life. But in other ways it was the most wonderful.

I pray that 2012 will continue to be wonderful. I pray that the year will hold many blessings and joy. And no matter what, I thank the Lord that He will be with me every step of the way.

I pray that 2012 will be a good year for you all and hold much joy. If you are longing for a baby I hope that this is the year that your dream will come true. And most of all, I pray that you will know our Savior Jesus Christ and feel His presence with you always.

God Bless You!!

A Head Full of Hair

Before Baby Bird was born, I hoped that she'd have a lot of hair b/c her daddy did when he was born and so did I. Of course, it wouldn't have mattered one bit if she'd been bald. I would have thought it was the cutest little bald head EVER! But I do love her little head full of dark hair. It's as soft as little down birdie feathers too.

Every time someone sees her picture or comes over to see her they say, "Look at her hair!!" :)

I can't believe Christmas is this Sunday!!! How is time passing so quickly?! Do any of y'all have any tricks for making time seem like it's passing more slowly? Since we have been in the house so much since she was born, every day sort of blends in. And now I can't believe she is almost one month old. How did that happen?!

I want to share the verse that Jay put in our Christmas card this year. It's one of my favorites.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Thank You, Jesus! You are the reason we celebrate!!

I hope you all have a wonderful week!!

Snow Girl

Merry Christmas from our little snow girl! We got newborn pictures made last week. I was so happy with how they turned out. We got a lot of cute poses. My cousin took them for us, and I think she does a great job! I will post more in future posts, and I can't wait to show you her full head of hair! :) But I wanted to post this one b/c it's so Christmas-y.

I can't believe how our girl is already growing and changing so much. I just want time to slow down!

This week I started sending out our Christmas cards. I included one to my ob/gyn who I love. He's so compassionate and kind. I also sent one to my former RE in Nashville thanking him for his part in directing us to the RE in Memphis who specializes in RPL. And then I sent one to the RE in Memphis thanking him for finding the septum and removing it. And most of all, I thank GOD for giving us our miracle girl. It was a long journey to get to her, and thank I God every single day.

I hope that you are all enjoying a wonderful holiday season. I know that some of you are in the process of adopting or trying to conceive your miracle baby. I hope and pray that you are able to enjoy this beautiful season and look forward with hope to what the future may bring you! Merry Christmas!!

Birth Story

I've been wanting to post this for several days now. I hope it makes sense as I have been typing it (quickly) over several days in between feedings, diaper changes & cuddles... :)

Before Baby Bird was born, I called on Friday and scheduled an induction for the following Tuesday morning. I wanted the induction for a couple of reasons. 1) I was so worried that something would go wrong with Baby Bird inside my uterus if I waited too long. 2) I was also worried about her getting to be too big since my mom went 3 weeks overdue with me and I weighed 9 lb. 10 1/2 oz. (My poor mom!!!)

So I had the induction scheduled, but as the weekend wore on, I started having MAJOR second thoughts and decided that I desperately wanted to go in to labor on my own. I searched the internet and also asked you for tips on how to naturally start labor. I ate tons of fresh pineapple, ate spicy Indian food and did lots of walking. I prayed and asked God to please let me go into labor on my own. As the next couple of days passed, I started thinking about the pitocin and the terrible contractions that come with it (so I've been told). And I started feeling like I'd made the wrong decision. I decided that I did NOT want to be induced!!

Saturday night I got up in the middle of the night and started having contractions every 7 minutes apart and thought that maybe this was it!! But they stopped after a couple of hours. So I continued ingesting large amounts of pineapple, praying and walking!!

Monday morning I had a Dr. appointment scheduled. It was just a regular check up. I woke up bright and early and realized that I was hurting more than usual. I felt really crampy in my lower abdomen and was having some contractions but nothing regular. I got out my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and read the symptoms of early labor. I told Jay that I had most of the symptoms and asked him, "Do you think I'm going in to labor soon? Maybe I'll go into labor on my own today!!"

We went to my Dr. appointment, and I continued to feel crampy and more sore than usual. I also continued to have some contractions, but I didn't think they were regular. They were the just the usual Braxton-Hicks, so I thought. But just in case, Jay decided to time a few while we were waiting for my doctor. They were 5 minutes apart!! I hadn't even noticed how close together they were b/c I was so busy getting ready to go to the doctor that I never stopped to time them!

When my doctor came into the room I told him about my symptoms and asked him, "Do you think I might be going in to labor soon? I really don't want to be induced." He assured me that we could easily cancel the induction. He said that I'd probably do better anyway if we just let me go into labor on my own. So he told me he'd check me and then I could decide....

Well, lo and behold, he got a huge smile on his face and started laughing. He said, "Birdie, you're a good 5 cm!! You're in active labor!!!" He couldn't believe it!! He was laughing and said, "You're doing phenomenal! Your pain tolerance must be so high! Most women are crying and screaming out by now!"

Well, I felt so proud of myself! haha I felt like, "Is this all there is to it? I can do this!!" I couldn't stop smiling at Jay. I was so excited!

He sent me to walk for a couple of hours and then come back to check in at L&D at 2 p.m. So Jay and I headed out to Hobby Lobby and to the mall. We were over the moon. I felt so pumped up and so excited!

We went to L&D at 2 p.m., and it just all felt so surreal. I felt like: Is this really happening? I'm really in labor? Is this for real? We're really going to have our baby today??!

I changed in to my pretty hospital gown that I brought and got all hooked up to the monitors. Jay was snapping pictures and I was nervous, but I still wondered if this was really all there was to it. I even started to wonder if I was really in labor because I was not hurting that bad, even by the time my nurse checked me and I was 6 cm.

Well, I have to laugh at myself now b/c at some point after 6 cm everything started to change. The contractions suddenly started becoming more intense. And I was so nervous that my legs were shaking and my teeth were chattering. It wasn't long until I realized that the pain was quickly becoming very strong.

At this point I decided I wanted an epidural. Jay and my mom & sister encouraged me to get it, and I'm so glad I did! I shook the whole way through the procedure b/c I was a nervous wreck! But once I got it I was SO glad I did!! I was finally able to relax a little and stop shaking so bad.

The contractions eased off about 15 minutes after getting the epidural, and again I thought to myself, "I can do this!!!"

The pain relief lasted for a little while, but at around 8 cm I suddenly started hurting worse than ever. It was as if I hadn't had an epidural at all! It was so intense and getting to the point of being unbearable. Every thought I'd had of how easy this would be quickly vanished!! Thankfully, the Dr. returned and increased my epidural medicine. Once again, after it kicked in, I was able to relax a little more and felt once again that I could do it.

When I got to 10 cm the nurse set me up in a different position. I don't know what happened, but after I was sitting up for several minutes, the pain of the contractions returned full force and I felt like I hadn't even had an epidural. I was in EXTREME pain!!! It was absolutely excruciating, and the next thing I knew my nurse was rushing in to the room telling me that I had to push NOW b/c Baby's heart rate had dropped.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. There were times when I thought I wouldn't make it through. I felt like I couldn't do it. I honestly didn't know how I could go on. Jay was wonderful and fanned me constantly b/c I was so hot. My Dr. was also so sweet and encouraging. After 50 minutes we welcomed the most beautiful baby girl in to the world, and I can tell you that I could hardly believe my eyes. She was really here!!!! After waiting so long!!! After going through so much to be her mommy, she was actually here. Jay & I were both just smiling so much. I kept saying, "Look at her, Jay! Look at her!!"

Every day is a gift from God. I am SO thankful for her. Every day I thank God for her. It still doesn't seem real a lot of times. It's like I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I'm trying to enjoy every second b/c she is already growing so much. Time seems to pass so quickly. And I just want it to slow down.

Being her mommy is absolutely amazing. And I continue to pray for each and every one of you that you will get to experience this miracle - either through birth or adoption. I know that for some of you it may be hard to read my birth story because you are longing for your baby. But I hope it brings you hope that miracles still can happen!!

A Couple of New Pictures

Baby Bird

8 lb. 11 oz.

21 1/2 inches long

We are over the moon!!!!

I plan to write her birth story soon. I haven't been online very much since her birth, but I really hope to sit down soon & tell you all about it!

Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post announcing her birth. I am still in awe every single day because I truly know what a miracle she is. I thank God daily.

Our Baby Bird Is Here!!

Thank You, Lord! My heart is so full of love for our baby girl. She's finally here!!!

I hope to post more details & pictures soon. :)

Pineapple & Spices

Can I just say again how much it means to me that those of you still in the midst of RPL & infertility continue to follow my journey and send me well wishes? You ladies are NOT forgotten!!!!! My heart aches for you, I pray for you, and I have HOPE for you!!! I will never forget you or stop supporting and encouraging you!!

I hope you can read my story and be reminded that miracles still happen. My sister is the mom of 3 through the miracle of adoption after experiencing infertility. How I LOVE my nieces & nephew!! And now I am going to experience the miracle of having a biological child after experiencing RPL. Our family is so thankful for these miracles! I hope that you are encouraged wherever you are in your journey!

Tomorrow is my due date! To try to coax labor on, I bought a fresh pineapple tonight. A blog friend recommended it (Thanks!), and I also read online that it can naturally induce labor. Jay & I are also planning on going out for some spicy Indian food this weekend. I REALLY want to go into labor naturally. However, I will be induced next week if I don't go into labor on my own. At that point I will already be several days past my due date.

So, I'm fixin to (that's KY talk!) go cut that pineapple. I hope it works!! :)

I'm also including a couple more of our maternity pics from a couple of weeks ago. :) Have a GREAT weekend, everyone!

2 Days From Due Date

I'm still here waiting on the arrival of our little one. Thanks for your comments and suggestions! :) I'm still feeling good. The only time I struggle a little is at night when it's hard to breathe and get comfortable. But I'm not complaining! I can easily endure that. I'm just thankful to be doing so well!

I continue to have stray contractions here and there but nothing that sticks. Bags are packed, house is clean...Just waiting for the real contractions to begin so we can make our way to the hospital! I hope it's soon. I just want her to be here and healthy and know that she's okay!!!

I hope y'all are doing well. Thank you for your continued support!!