Sweet Baby

I am LOVING being a mom to this sweet baby!! I have found my calling through foster care - to be a mom! :)

No Double Pink Line but a Baby Anyway!

Yesterday around 9 a.m. I got a phone call from our social worker:

Birdie, this is A. We've got a newborn baby boy. He's 6 days old. I don't want to get your hopes up, and I don't want to say that it's going to be an adoption, BUT it looks like this could lead to adoption. Would you be able to take him?

I say YES. But let me call Jay first just to make sure.

Well, it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that OF COURSE we said YES!!! And about 7 hours later I was sitting on my couch holding the most beautiful baby boy with a headful of jet black hair!!!

So now we have Big Guy (our 2 year old foster son) and Little Guy (our week old foster son).

Oh my, God is so good!! Of course, we don't know if we will get to adopt. Only time will tell. Will the biological mom get her act together? Will a relative who has a good home come forward? We just don't know. But what we do know is that this precious baby needed a good home, and we are going to shower him with love while he's here - for however long that may be. (And of course I'm so hoping that this baby will indeed become my son!!)

I just had to share this with y'all. And if you're interested in foster care, please feel free to email me! creek jc @ nctc. com (without all the spaces, of course!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

Yep, it's almost that time again. Time to break out the pregnancy tests and look for that double pink line.

In fact, I've already been testing even though I knew it was too early. Do y'all do that too? You know it's going to be negative b/c it's too early but you just can't help yourself? I've already wasted several tests this week.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Big Guy was also in the Christmas play at church tonight. He was a shepherd and was just absolutely adorable.

I hope y'all are enjoying this Christmas season. I'm so thankful for Jesus!! He is my everything!

Missing Baby Girl

I know that Jay probably hates this picture! ha! It's not one of his best, but it's the only one I have of Baby Girl that doesn't show her face. As I've talked about before, Jay & I are foster parents. For one blessed week Baby Girl was with us until she went back to her family.

Only one week, and I still think about her every day and miss her. She was in that cuddly stage where I just wanted to squeeze her and cuddle her, especially when she was wearing a little one-piece sleeper!! :)

I just keep trusting the Lord. I want to be a mom! And I know I'm a foster mom. And I'm so happy to be a foster mom to Big Guy and to have been a foster mom to Baby Girl. And I want to keep fostering and being there for these precious little ones who need a good home. But I do have a deep desire to be a mom someday, a mom to a child that God will give me on this earth to not have to say goodbye to after a few months.

And I have faith that He will! His timing is not my timing, and so I wait patiently knowing that He knows exactly what He's doing! And it's all going to be worth it.

I've been mulling around a future post about my 3rd miscarriage. I've already posted about my 1st and 2nd. I know the next post is coming soon. It's just a matter of sitting down & taking the time to write it. But I don't want it to be a sad or depressing thing for you. I just want it to let you know that I understand what you've been through. I've been there too. Or if you've never had a miscarriage, I hope that it might help you know how to be there for your friend who is going through it.

In the meantime, I want to say again how WONDERFUL it is to be a foster mom to our Big Guy. We are madly in love with him. I can't bear to think about him leaving right now. I'm trying to enjoy these next few weeks and cherish every moment! I'm also praying that his mom will allow us to continue to be a part of his life. Would you help me pray too?

I hope you all are doing wonderfully and enjoying this Christmas season!

creek jc @ nctc. com

That Terrible Feeling

You know that terrible feeling when you hear that a lab result is not normal? Or that awful feeling every time the phone rings when you are waiting to hear from your doctor?

Yeah, I had it this week.

If you remember, a couple of weeks ago I found out that my Factor ii activity level was low. Of course, I foolishly researched it on the internet. (I don't recommend doing this!!) I found out things that can cause this - a clotting disorder present since birth that causes your blood to be too thin, severe liver disease and other terrible possibilities.

Immediately, I got hot and felt sick....

Fast forward a couple of days.

I talked to my RE's nurse who told me that my liver enzymes were normal and that the lab was only slightly low. Normal, I think, starts at 75. Mine was 73.

Okay, not so bad after all. Not as bad as I'd feared.

So I went to have my DNA checked to see if I had a mutation causing the abnormality.

I waited for the phone call on Tuesday that would give me the result. I was almost sick. Every time the phone rang I ran to get it. I was distracted. My stomach was filled with butterflies.

Basically, I was needing a vacation VERY BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I want to just "get away from it all!" I daydream of being in a tropical location with hubby or maybe walking the streets of a romantic city in Italy or driving through the countryside of England.

But alas, our bank account won't allow for that! ha!

So I waited and finally found out yesterday that my DNA is normal!! Great news! But that means we still don't know why that lab was a little low.

And I'm to the point where I really don't even want to know anymore! I'm SO over blood work and tests, and I'm thinking, "Okay, maybe my blood is just slightly thinner than every one else's. Whoop-ti-doo! No more tests!!!!"

For anyone who reads my blog, you know that my foundation is Christ. He sustains me. So I'm doing my best to give all this to Him, trust Him and just keep on truckin'!

I'm still madly in love with our Big Guy (our sweet 2 year old foster child). He is such a huge blessing to us!!!! These last few months, he has helped me so much. He's given me a new perspective, a new excitement for life and a greater purpose. Yes, fostering is to help the children. But we are the ones who are getting blessed too.

I hope you're all doing wonderfully!!! I often pray for you, my blog friends!

Baby Girl

Sweet Baby Girl left us after one week. I was already totally in love with her, and it was so hard to let her go. But that is fostering. And I know that we gave her a loving home for one week when she needed it most. I still pray for her daily and think about her so much.

For one blessed week I had a baby. It was so much hard work. I was exhausted. But it was just heavenly!! It was worth it all!

Big Guy is still doing wonderfully. We are totally in love with him.

As far as having a biological child, it could happen any time. I'm excited and very nervous all at the same time. After 4 miscarriages & 3 surgeries, I still have hope. Could this next one be the one?? I pray so.

Two Little Turkeys for Thanksgiving

Great news for us: Big Guy is going to be here for Christmas!

I just couldn't bear the thoughts of Christmas without him here. But I just kept trusting God, knowing that if that's what God asked of us that we would be able to do it.

We found out last week that he is going to be with us. And I'm SO very thankful for that.

Little Britches, sweet baby girl, who came to us Tuesday evening may leave us this Tuesday. We've only been together a few days so far, and I already feel like my heart will break when she leaves. Yet again, not my will but yours, Father. I know if this is what He asks of me that He will give me the strength to do it.

On a funny note, this is what happened on Tuesday. I had just checked out at K.mart, with Big Guy in tow and my mom checking out behind me when my cell phone began to ring:

Social Worker: Birdie, this is XYZ. I have a 4 month old baby girl. No known medical problems. Would you be able to take her?

Me: Uh.... What about Big Guy? Will she be able to sleep in his room?

(My mind is racing, my heart is pounding.)

Social Worker: Yes, she can.

Me: Uh... Let me call Jay and ask him.

Social Worker: (Laughter) I just called him, and he said, "Call Birdie."

Me: Okay. I'll call him and call you back.

Social Worker: Call me back as soon as you know.

I called Jay, and this is how our conversation went:

Jay: What do you think?

Me: Umm... I think we should take her. What do you think?

Jay: I think we should.

In the meantime, my mom said, "Yes!!! We need another baby in the family!!"

So, it was settled!!! An hour later, I was sitting on my couch in my living room holding a sweet, beautiful, darling, dark haired, blued eyed baby girl.

And it wasn't long until I fell COMPLETELY IN LOVE!!!

Sweet Baby will likely leave us on Tuesday. Just one week together. But it doesn't matter that it will only be a week... My heart is already aching when I think of it. But I just keep trusting God.

In the meantime, this experience is AMAZING!!!! With God's help, we are showering this baby with love, giving her a stable home, covering her in prayer and learning a whole lot about God, love, life and parenthood.

This is truly the adventure of a lifetime!

If you want to be a mom and you have a good stable home, I encourage you to be a foster parent! It may also lead to adoption. As I've mentioned before, my sister has 2 beautiful girls that were adopted through the foster care system.

I hope to write more blogs with greater details about fostering.

God Bless You all! I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful!!!! Mine sure was!

Oh Baby!

Last night we welcomed a 3 month old into our home. It may be temporary or long term. We won't know anything for a while.

Wow... Fostering is the adventure of a lifetime!! :)

Well, I'm off to (hopefully) get some sleep tonight!! God Bless you all! Happy Thanksgiving!

May Never Get Blood Work Again!

I had a really rough day this week. It started on Wednesday morning. I opened up my email and got this from Big Guy's social worker:

Just a heads up...I am looking at possible return to mom before Christmas.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was going to be temporary. But we have absolutely fallen in love with our Big Guy, and he loves us too. He's been so happy and secure here in our home. Life has been a dream. I'm the mom I've longed to be. We have our little family. Jay is a wonderful father, even more wonderful than I thought he'd be. And Big Guy is a pure joy. But I have to remember that he was never ours. God allowed him to be in our home for a time, and it's up to God how long he stays.

And the truth is that it's not about me. It's all about Big Guy. I hurt for him, worrying how he'll be taken care of when he goes back. But right now we are giving him a stable home, and I pray that it has a lasting impact. We've covered him in prayer daily, and it is my prayer that it has planted a seed deep in his little heart that will grow and flourish.

What a special boy he is. You just wouldn't believe how incredibly sweet, well behaved, funny and smart he is. He's just exceptional!! :)

We'll probably continue fostering after he returns. There are so many kids out there who need a good home, and hopefully it will one day soon lead to adoption.

So back to my tough day...

After I got the email and sat there dumbfounded I later got a call from my RE's office. I thought we were just about ready to start trying again. RE did tell us at our last appointment that there were a couple of blood tests he was going to do. But it all sounded pretty insignificant. Unfortunately, one of them came back abnormal:

Low factor 2 activity

From what I've read online, being low means that my blood doesn't clot quickly enough. So it wouldn't be treatable with a blood thinner b/c that would only make it worse. So Friday I had to go for yet another blood test. This time I got a Factor 2 DNA test. He's looking to see if this abnormality is caused by a genetic mutation. If not, then it's a mystery as to why it's low. According to what I read online, it can be caused by things like: liver disease, vitamin K insufficiency and other things too terrible to mention.

I worried myself sick. Literally. I broke out in a sweat, made several trips to the bathroom and hardly ate for a couple of days.

Thankfully, on Friday I spoke with the nurse again who said that my RE said that I shouldn't worry. I was SOOO happy to hear that it was barely out of the normal range. It was 73. Normal starts at 75.

I also found an article online written by a M.D. that was more reassuring that it's probably not something serious.

Still, I should NEVER research things online!!! I can't tell you how many times I've worried myself silly after reading scary medical stuff online. Why can't I learn my lesson?!

I'm feeling better about it now. But I still don't know what the next step is. I'll have to get the DNA results and then go from there. My RE is not even very familiar with this test, so the nurse said that "he will have to figure out what's going on." Ugh. Not very reassuring. ha!

Do y'all get to the place where you're so incredibly tired of doctors, blood work, tests, living from one test to another that you are ready to leave it all behind and just try to conceive without any medical intervention?

Hospitals and labs now pretty much give me the creeps, the yuckies in my stomach and a sinking feeling. I don't even like to drive past them. Even hospitals that I've never even been to, I don't even like to see them.

Lately, I've found myself daydreaming of a beach-y place far away, an escape from it all.

Yet, I keep going ahead, knowing that somehow God is still in control of it all. And I take great hope and strength in that.

Our Big Guy is also such a joy to me. I don't think I could love another child any more than I love him. Being responsible for him has stirred up something inside me.... Maternal Instinct? I don't know what it is. But I know that I love him dearly and would protect him with my life. It really is wonderful to be a mom.

Miscarriage Number Two

A few posts ago I wrote about my first miscarriage. Now, I'm continuing the story....

After that first miscarriage, my doctor was so reassuring and felt that it was unlikely to happen again. And all at once, after my own loss, I began to hear of so many women who'd experienced a miscarriage similar to mine. And most of them had gone on to have children. I learned the ugly fact that miscarriage is very common.

But I still didn't know anything about recurrent miscarriages. I had no idea that I would go on to experience four. At that time I didn't know anybody who'd had more than two losses.

After that first miscarriage in April Jay & I started trying again.

About 5 months later on September 11, 2008 I had a positive pregnancy test in the morning and another one that night.

This time I figured that I couldn't possible miscarry again. This time, Jay & I were going to be parents! A week passed. For one week I was pregnant with our baby and getting excited. Then on September 18th (one week later) I started bleeding a little bit that night. But I wasn't cramping, so I still had hope. But I was very afraid. I cried out to God in my journal and promised Him that I would praise Him in all things.

My next entry was on September 26th, 2008. It started, "I had another miscarriage. The Lord is my strength..."

I don't remember much about what happened between when I started bleeding on the 18th and the next entry on the 26th. I'm sure it involved blood work and a doctor visit. I'm sure it involved tears and pain. But, to tell you the truth, after 4 miscarriages and countless doctor visits it's hard to keep all the memories in order.

I do believe that I began to think that something might truly be wrong with me after this second loss. After all, my sister was never able to have children, so deep down there was always a little fear that I would follow in her footsteps. She, however, was never able to get pregnant. I didn't have a problem with that. My problem was carrying my babies to term.

I recently told my boss about my 4 miscarriages and how I'd love to be able to adopt someday. She told me that old cliche': "Well, I know of several couples who have adopted and then got pregnant. Sometimes I think that just takes some of the stress and pressure off and they're able to conceive." I'm not upset with her for saying that because I'm sure it's hard to know what to say. I mean, if I hadn't had recurrent losses myself, would I know what to say??

Still, it's difficult to hear that. She's not the first. And I think to myself, "Yes, but I'm not like those people. I don't have a problem getting pregnant." It's not that easy.

I didn't really mean for this post to turn into a list of statements I've heard from people that hurt. But hey, why not throw in a few more while I'm at it?? :)

Probably the most painful and frustrating one was when a dear woman whom I love told me after my 4th miscarriage that maybe I should just "wait a while." I was going to see a specialist about a month after my fourth loss and about a month before my 31st birthday and she thought that I didn't need to rush into anything.

Really?? I felt so frustrated and told Jay, "When she was my age she already had THREE children! She was already finished having children. And I'm supposed to WAIT a while?? I'm almost 31 years old and don't have even one child yet!"

Now remember, I love this woman dearly. She is somewhat of a mentor to me and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. And I try to give them grace and remember that their hearts are in the right place. She didn't mean to hurt me. She loves me and only meant well.

Besides that, I know that I can be too sensitive. So I try to just overlook comments the best that I can.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's an odd one:

When I was getting ready to have my D&C and laparoscopy after my 4th miscarriage, my doctor and nurse actually discussed his children at my bedside. The nurse was asking him questions like, "Oh, is she driving already?.... Oh my goodness, I can't believe she's 16 already!" She was smiling and laughing, and I was thinking, "Hello! I'm lying here in this bed getting ready to have surgery because my baby died, and you're actually discussing children??" Oh well... That's just another one of those things to overlook because he's a great doctor, and my nurse was kind to me. I'm sure she never thought twice about it. The Lord's given me a countless measure of grace. I try to give grace to others.

I know that some of you reading have had lots of experiences like this as well. Sometimes it's kind of funny now to think back on some of the ridiculous statements. And then there are those people who have been so wonderful, caring and encouraging. Why doesn't anybody write posts on all the right things that people have said? haha Maybe I'll do that sometime!

Well, in the meantime, I'm loving my 2 year old Big Guy. I'm tired, but he's totally worth it! I hope that some of you might consider fostering and adoption. So many children need a loving home.

I hope you're all doing well. I'd love to hear from you! By the way, I REALLY want to change my blog. Can y'all recommend a good place to get a new blog design? creek jc @ nctc. com